


Life After Love

by zalrb



Category: Stelena - Fandom, The Vampire Diaries & Related Fandoms, The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Romance, Betrayal, Comfort Sex, Consensual Infidelity, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Infidelity, Emotional Sex, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Partner Betrayal, Romance, Teen Angst, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 22:06:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15895059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zalrb/pseuds/zalrb
Summary: What if Stefan never died? What if he and Elena both lived to marry Caroline and Damon respectively but through their marriages realized that they made a grave mistake by not spending their lives with each other? Will love conquer all or will they put their commitments before their desires?





	1. Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

Stefan lay in bed, the sheet covering the lower half of his body, his torso exposed to the chilly air of the room. One arm was flung across his forehead and the other acted as a pillow for Caroline who lay next to him, panting and sweaty, a wide smile on her face.

“I really needed that,” she said breathlessly. “You’re amazing.”

Stefan removed his arm to look at her. He smiled. “Glad I could be of service.”

She slid her hand onto his chest and then looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed. “Your heart rate’s steady.”

He laughed. “Should it be erratic?”

“No it’s just — we just finished having —” She pressed her lips together. “Is it me? Are you … bored? Do we need to, I don’t know, spice up our love life?”

Alarm sparked in Stefan’s chest.

“What?” he said. “No.” He propped himself up on his elbows and stared at him. “Of course not, why would you ask that?”

Caroline looked at him, her mouth opening and closing like she was trying to think about what to say. “It’s just…”

Stefan waited for her to finish.

“Never mind.” Caroline shook her head. “We should get ready, Damon and Elena will be here any minute.”

She sat up, pressing the sheet against her chest, wrapping it around her body as she walked across the room to the bathroom. Stefan stayed in bed, rubbing his face with his hands. There was no reason for it, for why the excitement Caroline roused in him was tepid on good days, nonexistent on others. It scared him, how distant from her he felt, and he tried to make up for it, tried to bring himself closer to her with the pleasure he made her feel, tried and failed to lose himself in that, open himself up in that. It would’ve been easy if it was just the sex, one part in their marriage to work on, build on, but it was everything, it was the days, the nights, everything in between, it was the sense of alienation Stefan felt, like he was drifting in this life she’d made for them without actively engaging in anything around them, it was —

“Stefan, you should probably start getting ready,” Caroline called from the bathroom. “Damon and Elena will be here any minute.”

Damon and Elena. 

It had been four months since he’d last seen Elena and it had been four weeks since he’d last spoken to her. They used to talk to each other daily: emails during work, calls after dinner, texts in between. And then it all stopped. Or well, she stopped it all. There was no warning, she just one day decided to stop returning any form of communication. Stefan tried not to dwell on it. There was nothing to dwell on. Their communication had been innocuous enough. She’d send him cat videos he rolled his eyes at, he’d send her music she scoffed at; they spoke about their days, how hard it was being an intern, how hard it was being a teacher. They’d talk about the movies she’d see, the movies he didn’t, message each other when they were bored, when things were slow.

Innocent. All of it.

Except for the fact Caroline didn’t know how often they talked. Except for the thrill Stefan got every time his phone vibrated with a notification, how he’d sometimes picture himself where Elena was, lying next to her, listening to her complain about the long hours she had to work. Stefan closed his eyes against the image and his gut soured with shame, guilt seized his lungs. They were in the past. They were done. They moved on. She was happy. He was happy. And they were happy without each other. Stefan repeated it in his head. Over and over. That was what this weekend would prove. They were happy.

He got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom.

 

“Dammit!”

It was the third time Elena bumped against the roof of the car. She rubbed the back of her head and sighed. “I think it’s time to call a quits.”

Damon looked up at her. “C’mon! Cosmo rates the car as the number 7 sexiest place to please your man.” He winked.

“Oh yeah,” said Elena. “Concussions are totally sexy. And leg cramps.”

They were more than halfway to Mystic Falls when Damon decided to pull the car over on an empty road. Elena humoured him with the fantasy, maybe it really was what they needed, the shift that would get them back on track. Except they were never really on track. They were always on fumes. That was the problem. One of them anyway.

She bent her head as she dislodged herself from her position straddling Damon and flung herself back into the passenger’s seat, smoothing out the bottom of her dress. Damon sighed as he buckled his belt and eased his seat up from its reclined position.

“If you let us take my car instead of a rental then this wouldn’t have been an issue, you know.”

“Your car uses up too much gas,” said Elena.

He looked at her. “Are we OK?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”

Damon shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Elena did. A month ago, she’d made a choice, she’d seized all communication with Stefan, and now she was miserable. And lonely. It irritated her as much as it ate away at her with guilt, that when she was talking to Stefan every day, she couldn’t focus on the life she had, the life she chose, the … the man she chose, but now that she’d stopped talking to him, she felt imprisoned by all of it. Speaking to him was how she survived her daily life and speaking to him was what made it clear that her daily life wasn’t what she wanted. Each choice left her with regret and it swallowed her whole with helplessness. 

She looked over at Damon who was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. She couldn’t say he never excited her. He had. That was why she chose him all those years ago. She wanted to know where the excitement would lead and by the time she realized it would lead here, wishing for something she had given up, she’d already made too many choices to salvage what she’d abandoned. Sex was usually what distracted her from the regret but the sex was only ever just sex and what she needed was something Damon couldn’t give her, something she willed herself to believe he did. She sighed and reached over to stroke the hair above Damon’s ear.

“This weekend will be fun,” she said.

“No, this weekend will be tolerable,” said Damon, starting the car. “Fun would’ve been you and me in Catalina, half-buzzed on margaritas and you wearing absolutely nothing.”

Elena shook her head. “It’s been a while since we’ve come back home, it’ll be good to see everyone. Caroline and I have been coordinating for weeks.”

Damon nodded his head. “Caroline,” he said. “That’s why you were so insistent on coming.”

“Yeah,” said Elena. “And the school, I want to see how far along it’s coming, what Jeremy is like as a teacher. Bonnie is supposed to come back this weekend. It’ll be good to see Matt…”

Damon stared at her.

“What?” she asked. “Eyes on the road, Damon, we’re not vampires anymore, you have to be more careful when you drive.”

He continued to look at her.

“What?”

“Nothing, just …” He turned to the front of the car. “Caroline, Jeremy, Bonnie and Matt. There’s no one else you want to see?”

Elena pushed her mouth to the side in thought. “The twins,” she said. “I’m such a terrible godmother, of course I want to see the twins. And Alaric.”

Damon nodded his head. “Right.”

Elena smiled tightly.

“Tunes?” he asked.

“Sure.” Elena plugged her phone into the stereo and pressed on the first song that popped up. Damon furrowed his eyebrows. “Since when did you listen to The Clash?”

“Oh,” said Elena. “Uh, Stefan … he recommended this to me like years ago and I think I just added it to my playlist on a whim. I have a ton of stuff on there. Stuff you’ve recommended, Bonnie, Jer.”

“Right,” said Damon.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I was just saying.”

“I got it.”

They spent the rest of the drive in silence. Every once in a while Elena thought about taking Damon’s hand in hers but looked out the window instead. It would be good. To see him. To see them. Picture perfect family. She’d chosen Damon and he’d chosen Caroline and there was nothing wrong with either of their lives and the weekend would prove that. Then she’d stop thinking about it. She decided.

It was another half an hour before they were on their old street. Elena took a deep breath in.

“What is it?” said Damon.

“Nothing, just nervous,” said Elena.

“What would you have to be nervous about?”

Elena looked at him. “Nothing.”

“Right,” said Damon.

“What?”

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

Damon pulled into the driveway of the Salvatore Mansion and Elena saw Stefan and Caroline standing outside, their arms around each other. Elena thought back to that moment in high school, when Stefan leant Matt his car to take Caroline for a drive and how she and Stefan watched them drive away, their arms around each other. It had felt so right then. It still did. Just the memory of it … but that was all it was, a memory. He did things like that with Caroline now. And she with Damon.

He parked the car and then turned to Elena. “Ready?”

She smiled. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

Stefan disentangled himself from Caroline. It felt wrong, holding her when Elena could see them from the car, and that felt wrong too, caring about whether the sight of him embracing his wife would upset his ex-girlfriend. And why would it? She had been the one who stopped calling, stopped taking messages, she made her choice. Like she made her choice six years ago. Stefan pressed his lips together; he couldn’t feel sorry for himself, the turmoil was all in his head and he would re-remember that once Elena and Damon stepped out of the car together, walking up to the house hand in hand.

That was the hope anyway. As Elena got out of the car, what Stefan re-remembered was the pull his body felt whenever he saw her, the way his heart ached, the way her gaze would flood him with such an earnest longing. He watched as Caroline squealed and ran up to her, as they both wrapped their arms around each other in a huge hug. Stefan couldn’t bear it, the shame of his conflict. He looked to Damon who was grinning at him and he walked down the driveway to clasp a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“How’ve you been, brother?” said Damon.

Stefan smiled. “Great. You? How’s human life treating you?” 

Damon shrugged. “Humanity, vampirism, I excel at everything.”

Caroline pulled away from Elena. “Which means you’re struggling.”

“Caroline, glad to see you’re still so charming,” said Damon.

She laughed and walked over to him. Stefan and Elena stayed in their spots diagonal from each other as Caroline and Damon hugged in the space between them.

One glance. That was all Elena would allow herself. It was all she could afford. Six years had passed by and the urge to wrap her arms around him, to nestle her head in the crook of his neck, to relish his smell and melt into his arms, it still felt natural. If she looked at him, everyone would know.

“So the drive in was OK?” said Caroline.

“Totally smooth,” said Damon. “Nothing went a rocking for any reason.”

Elena rolled her eyes then smiled. “Where are the girls?”

“Alaric’s with them this weekend,” said Caroline. “You’ll probably see them later, though.”

“Great, we have presents in the car.”

“Bonnie’s coming in tomorrow?” said Damon.

“Yeah, I think she’s staying Stateside for a bit,” said Stefan.

“It’ll be good to see her,” said Elena.

“Yeah,” said Stefan.

There was a pause while Caroline looked at Elena and Damon looked at Stefan. “So are you two going to say ‘hi’ or…?”

“We said ‘hi’,” said Stefan.

Elena nodded. “Yeah, we totally said ‘hi’.”

“No, you didn’t,” said Damon. “Me and you said ‘hi’ and me Caroline said ‘hi’ but that’s it.”

“No I’m pretty sure we said ‘hi’,” said Stefan.

“Yeah,” Elena agreed.

“Why are you two being so weird?” said Caroline brightly.

“What are you talking about, we’re fine,” said Elena.

“You’re acting like strangers,” said Caroline. “It’s awkward.”

“Blondie’s right,” said Damon.

“Damon, I’m still a vampire and if you call me that again I might have to break your wrist.”

Damon smirked. “You love it. Are you two going to say ‘hi’ or what?”

Stefan sighed. “For the record, it’s you two who are acting weird.” He took a step toward Elena. “It’s good to see you, Elena,” he said.

Elena smiled and hugged him. The embrace was brief but Elena could feel Stefan’s hand grip her slightly, Stefan could feel Elena’s lips almost brush his ear. Their eyes closed momentarily. A quiet intake of breath. They pulled away and Elena stood next to Damon, holding his hand while Stefan stepped next to Caroline, his arm around her waist.

“Great. Now that’s out of the way, bourbon?” said Damon. “I have yet to adjust to sober driving.”

Stefan shook his head. “You should’ve been driving sober even as a vampire, Damon.”

“It’s not like I would die if I totaled my car.”

“But the people in the other car might,” said Caroline.

“Might what?”

“Might die,” said Stefan. 

“Right,” said Damon. “Never quite got a handle on the whole morality thing. You two though, down pact. Perfect match. Right, babe?”

Elena smiled but said nothing. 

Caroline laughed. “Come on, Damon,” she said, waving him over. “We’ve done some renovations so the liquor isn’t where it was before.”

“I’ll just get the stuff from the car,” said Elena.

Damon started. “Well, I can—”

“No, it’s fine,” said Elena. “I’ll just grab the overnight stuff, get the presents later. I’m right behind you guys.”

“’Kay.” Stefan lowered his eyes as Damon pecked Elena on the lips. She walked toward the rental and he and Caroline walked up the driveway to the house. Stefan moved to follow them but then stopped, turning back to watch Elena head to the car.

Elena stared at the trunk, her entire body shaking. She wanted Stefan to go back into the house with the Damon and Caroline, but really, she wanted him to wait for her. A quick chat alone. That was all she wanted. It felt like a lifetime since they’d spoken and in that lifetime she’d been hollow. But she didn’t hear any footsteps on the gravel. He probably went back inside. It was a good choice. The right choice. What she probably needed. What —

“Need a hand?”

Elena closed her eyes and tried not to smile. She cleared her throat. “I guess I can take the presents in now.”

Stefan opened the trunk and started rifling through the bags.

“How’ve you been?” he asked.

“Great,” said Elena. “Busy. Tired.”

Stefan grabbed the two overnight bags. “And that intern, uh, Souvlaki —”

“Salinski,” said Elena, grinning.

“He still bothering you?”

“Actually, he stole my patient last week. Took his chart from right under my nose.”

Stefan stared at her seriously. “You want me to drive up there, spit in his socks for you?”

She closed her eyes and laughed, loud and unrestrained. It made Stefan smile, made him watch her with a slow-blinking gaze. It had been true from the moment he made her giggle — her laugh reminded him of what beauty, true beauty, was. It buoyed him, calmed him. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stop looking at her either. When Elena opened her eyes, meeting Stefan’s stare, her laughter died away. He made it impossible for her to breathe when he looked at her like that, her heart raced and her mind was serene. Still the same. If this were seven years ago, this would be when they’d kiss, when she’d lean into his chest, and he would secure her in his arms. This would be when she could let go.

“They’re probably waiting for us,” she said.

“Yeah,” said Stefan. “We should go.”

They paused for a minute and then reached for the gift bags at the same time, their fingers brushing. An exhale. It wasn’t possible. The briefest touch and everything in Elena’s head was singing, Stefan’s heart leapt, a spasm in his chest. His fingers itched for the feel of her skin and her skin burned for the softness of his touch. They couldn’t not again.

“Stefan, I…” Elena looked at him, her mouth silently moving, and then she sighed and walked away, heading up to the house.

 

“Well, just because they’re magical children doesn’t mean that everything about their educational experience should be different. We believe the kids should have holidays just like every other school, I mean even Hogwarts had Christmas break, so the kids are away for the long weekend,” said Caroline.

Elena smiled and Damon nodded lazily, his face red and eyes fluttering. They were seated around the dining table, plates of chicken parmesan in front of them. Stefan’s cooking, Elena noted. The first meal he’d ever cooked for her. She pressed her lips together. This night needed to end. 

Caroline called out, “Babe, how’s it going with the wine?”

“Coming. Coming.” Stefan walked out of the kitchen, holding a bottle of red wine. “Sorry, I was deciding between a Cabernet or a Pinot Noir.”

“He has great taste in wine,” said Caroline.

“Mm,” said Elena, smiling. “That he does.”

Stefan grinned. Caroline looked at Elena, her lips pursed. “More wine, Elena?”

“I would love some.”

“Honey,” said Caroline, nodding over to Elena. “A refill for our guest?”

“Caroline, come on, I’m hardly a guest,” said Elena. “We’re family, right?”

“Of course, of course,” said Caroline, laughing. “But, you know, this is my house now and, um, you’re staying with me and my husband … I just want to treat you — you and Damon like guests. Our favourite guests.”

“That’s very generous, thank you,” said Elena, smiling. “I mean, of course, the deed is still in my name, so you know, it’s, it’s kind of also my house.”

“Well, it passed over to Lily a few years ago,” said Caroline.

“Actually no, Stefan said in the journal that Lily and the others just moved in. The deed never changed. So.”

Stefan and Damon glanced at each other and Stefan cleared his throat. “So,” he said. “Refills.” 

He walked over to Elena’s seat and she stiffened as he bent next to her to pour the wine in her glass. Her skin flushed with the pressure of his presence and her body screamed for his touch, a brief caress, half a second. Stefan focused on the glass, his eyes fixed on the wine. Her scent was intoxicating and he wanted to turn to her, bury his nose in her hair, kiss her behind the ear. They glanced at each other briefly.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome.”

The urge to kiss her wrestled within Stefan and he quickly left her side, walking back over to his side of the table. “Wine?” he asked Caroline.

She smiled up at him. “Thank you.” When he moved to pour the wine into her glass, Caroline raised her head and kissed him on the lips. Stefan cleared his throat for a second time and sat down.

“Think you’re forgetting someone, little brother,” said Damon.

“Damon,” said Elena. “Why don’t you take it easy tonight?”

He threw up his hands. “Why?”

“Because this would be your fourth glass of wine and your seventh drink tonight,” said Elena quietly.

“You’re counting my drinks again?”

“I just mean you’ll be in bed all morning tomorrow if you have any more.”

“It’s not like I have work tomorrow. The bar isn’t my problem this weekend.”

“I would just prefer if you didn’t,” said Elena carefully. 

Damon opened his mouth but Stefan spoke first. “You know it was an adjustment for me too,” he said. “The tolerance levels—”

“Sorry, Stefan, but I’m having a private conversation with my wife,” said Damon.

“We’re at their table,” said Elena.

“We are at their table but you brought it up,” said Damon.

Elena sighed then smiled, putting her hand on top of his. “We’ll talk about it later.” 

“Works for me.” Damon reached into the middle of the table for the bottle of wine. “So Stefan, how’s teaching life?” he asked. “Never pegged you to get into education but you always did have a soft soul.”

“Well —”

“Stefan has a great knack for it,” said Caroline, rubbing his arm. “The kids love him, he has a certain patience that gets them to listen to him.”

Stefan laughed. “I mean it’s really more of —”

“Did I guys get to tell you about the four year old witch, Stacey? She set the curtains on fire.”

“That’s right and —”

“Stefan was so calm,” said Caroline. “I mean you know me, I would’ve had an aneurysm but he just spoke to her and got her to put it out.” 

Elena picked up her glass and started to laugh quietly. Caroline looked at her and smiled. “What’s so funny?”

“What? Oh nothing,” said Elena. “I was just thinking about sophomore year when Mr. Tanner asked me a question and you were the one who answered,” she said. “I just, I forgot you did that.”

Damon looked at her.

“It’s cute,” said Elena. “It’s a Caroline Forbes quirk.”

“Forbes-Salvatore,” said Caroline.

Stefan tried to stop the cringe that arrested him and Elena took a sip of her wine and nodded. “Right. Sorry, habit. You’ve just been Caroline Forbes for so long, you know?”

“Sure,” said Caroline, smiling. She picked up her glass. “Do you still refer to yourself as Elena Gilbert then?”

“Sometimes,” said Elena.

Damon furrowed his eyebrows. “You do?”

She looked at him. “I always correct myself afterwards,” she said. “Like I said, habit. You know what?” She pushed out her chair and stood up. “This wine is going right through me. I’m just going to go to the bathroom for a sec.”

Stefan carefully avoided watching Elena leave the table.

“Well this is fun,” said Damon.

“Yes,” said Caroline. “We should all get together more often. Stefan doesn’t really have the time to cook like this anymore so it’s worth it just for that.”

Stefan was barely following the conversation. He knew Elena wasn’t in the bathroom, she was on the porch for air. He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t go to her. He wasn’t the man who went after her anymore and she wasn’t the woman he was supposed to chase. He wouldn’t go. But he couldn’t stay where he was. 

“Speaking of, cooking, I want to make sure the soufflé is rising properly, so I’ll be back.”

Stefan stood up as Damon started talking. “There’s soufflé?”

“Chocolate,” said Caroline. 

Stefan walked through the kitchen, out to the back patio and paused when he saw Elena sitting on the steps, her arms wrapped around her middle. She turned around to look at him.

“Did you know I’d be out here?”

“No,” said Stefan.

“Really?”

“I thought …” He cleared his throat. “I thought you would be on the porch that’s why I chose to take some air here.”

“Oh, so you’re avoiding me then,” said Elena.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”

“I’m taking my cues from you, Stefan.”

“From me? You’re taking your cues from me? You won’t even look at me, Elena.”

“Because every time I do you’re kissing, Caroline,” she whispered furiously, standing up.

“And what, you’re abstaining from all physical contact with Damon?”

“He’s my husband.”

“And she’s my wife.”

Elena felt her face flush red with emotion. “Well I’m glad we cleared that up.” She muttered to herself, “I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Then why did you?”

“For this,” she said. “I came here for this. To see you happy with her. For you to see me happy with him.”

“Well I’m not happy,” said Stefan. “I’m falling apart. I was supposedto be happy, you were supposed to see me happy.”

“And I want to see you happy,” said Elena. “I’ve wished you happiness from the moment I met you. Honestly, it’s one of the things I want most, to see you truly happy.” She shook her head. “But I’m glad you’re not. And I have to live with that.”

Stefan sighed and turned to walk away but then paused, his throat tight with all his unasked questions, his hands trembling with all his unspoken sorrows.

“Keep going,” said Elena, her voice barely louder than a gasp. Stefan stayed where he was.

“Stefan, you were always stronger than me, stronger than almost anyone I know. I’m asking you to be strong now and please, please walk away from me.”

“I will,” he said, turning around. “I will but I need you to answer one question before I do.”

Elena bit her lip, she could feel herself breaking, feel her yearning swell in her chest and make it nearly impossible to breathe. He had that look in his eye, the same one he did when he kissed her the night they thought Klaus died, and it was killing her. “Stefan…”

“One answer to one question. You — you—” Stefan gritted his teeth. “You owe me that. Don’t you think?”

She nodded. “Yes. I do.” 

Stefan exhaled and cleared his throat, willing his eyes to remain dry. “Why did you stop taking my calls?”

Elena lowered her eyes. Did it have to be that question? A question that had so many answers? That inspired so many feelings? Was he trying to torture her?

“Please answer the question. I just need a reason, even an unsatisfying one. It’s been eating away at me for weeks.”

“Well you’ve been eating away at me for months,” said Elena sharply. Stefan regarded her and she sighed.

“Any time we talked all I could hear was your voice afterward,” she said. “When I was sleeping, when I was working, when I was eating with Damon …it hurt me, knowing how much I wanted to keep hearing your voice, knowing how a different choice would’ve meant wanting to hear your voice with no guilt.” She looked up at Stefan. “I couldn’t live like that. Regretting what I could’ve had.”

Stefan stared at her. Her answer was what he’d hoped and dreaded to hear. If she’d only told him that he made her uncomfortable — it would’ve devastated him but he would’ve been able to live with it, never forget her but stop dwelling on her. Now he was stuck. How did she expect him to live after hearing that?

“Thank you,” he said. He took a step back toward the house but heard her call out.

“You —!”

Stefan stopped again. “I what?”

“You didn’t try that hard. I didn’t take your calls for three days and then you just stopped.”

“Six voicemails, ten texts and twelve emails,” said Stefan. “You didn’t reply to any of them. You didn’t want to hear from me, Elena.”

“I didn’t want to hear from —? I stalked your Instagram.”

“Wait, what? I have an Insta—”

“No, you and Caroline have an Instagram and I stalked it. All of your family photos. She posts, like, a billion a day. I couldn’t stand not knowing about your day that I stalked the Instagram created by your wife who happens to be my best friend. ‘I didn’t want to hear from you’, are you serious?”   
“You stopped returning my messages.”

“After months of speaking to you every day! You didn’t find that weird?”

“Of course I found that weird, Elena. Of course I spent hours, days wondering what happened for you to cut off all communication.”

“Six voicemails, ten texts, and twelve emails and you never once asked why I was so distant.”

“Because I couldn’t admit to it hurting as much as it did,” said Stefan furiously. Elena’s lips parted.

“I’m married to your best friend. You’re married to my brother. We’re supposed to be in the past. How am I supposed to wake up next to my wife every morning admitting to myself that we’re never in the past? That’s, it’s — I’m never not in love with you.”

Elena sighed. “I’m never not in love with you.”

There was a pause and neither of them said anything. Elena ran her fingers through her hair and Stefan closed his eyes and exhaled. He leaned against the wall. “This is dangerous,” he said.

“I know.”

“We can’t do this.”

“We won’t do this,” said Elena. “We aren’t doing this.”

Stefan looked at her. “You and Damon need to go back to New York.”

“Me and Damon need to go back to New York,” she agreed.

They gazed at each other, their eyes shining with unspoken desires between them, silent wishes passed between them, the urge to go to hold one another, to taste home on each other’s lips, to succumb to the sheer intensity of their passion and embrace, but instead Stefan walked back into the house and Elena turned toward the backyard and allowed herself a single tear before going back into the dining room.


	2. Just This Night

“What do you mean you want to leave in the morning?”

Elena walked out of the washroom in purple silk pyjamas and sat on Damon’s old bed. She reached for the lotion on the nightstand and started rubbing some Aveeno on her legs. Damon lay next to her, a wet rag on the top half of his face, covering his eyes.

“We shouldn’t have imposed on them like this,” said Elena.

“Elena, you insisted we come here.”

“I know.”

“You get one weekend off from your internship and instead of us having a sun-soaked, naked, boozy getaway you wanted to come back to Mystic Falls.”

“I know that, Damon.”

“So why do you want to leave after one day? We haven’t even seen Bonnie yet. Or the twins.”

Elena put her hair up into a ponytail. She hadn’t expected to be met with so much resistance. “Why are you making a big deal out of me changing my mind?”

“Because you’re not telling me why,” said Damon. “And we just drove seven hours across the country.”

“You were the one who wanted to make it a road trip,” she mumbled.

“So this is my fault.”

“What? No. It’s no one’s fault, Damon,” said Elena.

“Babe, indoor voice please,” said Damon. “Whisper if you have to. I can’t believe I’m already hungover.”

“I can,” said Elena. “Stefan’s right, it takes a while to learn your tolerance as a human but it’s been a year, Damon. You should know what you can handle by now.”

“I know what I can handle,” said Damon.

“Right, you just choose to ignore it.”

“Since when did this conversation become about my drinking habits?” 

Elena shook her head but didn’t say anything. He was right, they were getting off track, but she couldn’t find a good excuse for them to leave. 

Damon sighed and removed the rag from his eyes. “You were in the bathroom for a while,” he said.

Panic flared in Elena’s chest but she breathed through it. “Was I?”

Damon stared at her. “Yes,” he said. “You were.”

“I was feeling queasy,” said Elena. “I shouldn’t have had that third glass of wine.”

“You didn’t have the third glass until after you came back,” said Damon.

“Well the second glass made me queasy and the third one is giving me a headache,” said Elena. “Or maybe it’s just this interrogation.”

“Why are you so defensive?” said Damon.

“I’m not,” said Elena. She was. It was hard enough keeping her mind off of Stefan now Damon was making her think about the conversation they’d had outside.

This is dangerous …

It was dangerous. But this conversation was proving to be even more dangerous. The more she pushed for them to leave, the more suspicious Damon got that something was wrong.

“You know what, never mind,” said Elena, getting under the covers. “Forget I said anything.”

“Just like that?”

“You’re in no position for a seven hour drive back to the city anyway,” said Elena. “The last thing I need is for you to vomit in the rental.” She turned off the lamp on the nightstand.

Damon continued to stare at her and then looked up to the ceiling. “You don’t wear lingerie to bed anymore,” he said.

She sighed. “I’m tired.”

“You’ve been tired for a while,” said Damon.

“I’m about to be a second year resident.”

“Elena…”

For the first few months of their marriage, Elena knew Damon thought she was insatiable. There was barely a time they spent together fully-clothed. She would throw herself at him and she would allow herself to be swept away by his impromptu visits at her college, finding empty classrooms, unoccupied washrooms. It was all a distraction. A game to keep Elena’s mind off of the fact that all they had was sex and sex that was mechanically good, that did the job, that kept her occupied in the moment but that failed to leave an impression. Now, whenever they were together, she was far removed from what was happening, she saw herself from above, and was completely disengaged. Now, she couldn’t bear to have sex with Damon in the same house as Stefan, she would only picture him in Damon’s place which would make her feel ashamed, and she would feel guilty for sleeping with someone who wasn’t Stefan, which would only drive her crazy.

She rolled onto her side. “It’s not like you can do anything tonight anyway,” said Elena. “You drank too much.”

Damon sighed. “My wife. The Queen of excuses.”

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Caroline took the dishes out of the water-filled sink and one by one handed them to Stefan who dried them with a tea towel. They hadn’t spoken for ten minutes, both of them concentrating on their respective tasks, the silence between them swelling into a tension that rang in Stefan’s head.

“Are you going to tell me what dinner was about?” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“Elena,” said Stefan. “That was kind of … an intense conversation.”

“Why?” said Caroline, looking at him. “Because I called you my husband?”

“No, it just…” Stefan slowly wiped the white plate with the tea towel, thinking of how to strike the right balance. “It just felt like you were a little defensive, like you were marking your territory or something.”

Caroline put her plate down. “Marking my territory? What am I, a dog?”

“It’s a figure of speech, Care,” said Stefan, trying to keep the weariness out of his voice.

“Well I wasn’t marking my territory.”

“OK, I’m just saying it sort of felt like you were going at Elena kind of hard.”

“Well you would think that, wouldn’t you?” said Caroline. “If anyone so much as raises their voice at Elena, you go into full-out hero hair mode.” 

“That isn’t fair,” said Stefan.

“Maybe not but it’s true,” said Caroline, taking out another plate. “Ever since we were in high school.”

“We’re not in high school,” said Stefan.

“No,” said Caroline. She sighed. “But … when Elena is around, I just, she makes me feel like we’re in high school again. I can’t control it. I’m sorry.”

Stefan gritted his teeth. He hated it, her apologizing to him. “Maybe we should tell them to come back another time,” said Stefan.

“What? Why?”

“Because you’re stressed,” said Stefan.

“I’m always stressed, that’s who I am. Stressed, neurotic, control freak Caroline, that’s why you love me.”

Stefan smiled. “I just thought it would take some of the pressure off.”

“You have been against this visit since the beginning, why?” said Caroline.

Because, Stefan thought to himself, he knew the moment he saw her he would want to go against the choices he made. The last time she visited, they had both clung on to Damon and Caroline. It was an unspoken decision but he knew they both decided it the minute they saw each other, for as long as the visit lasted they would not be alone together, they would speak to each other only when they needed to. They had both been newly married at the time and could still lie to themselves with relative ease, brush off the stirrings they felt whenever they locked eyes as fleeting remembrances for what they used to have. But then she’d called him two days after she and Damon went back to New York, just to catch up, saying they didn’t get the chance to speak much during the visit, and they both tried to end the call four times but never could. Then he called her back the next day and she sent him an email the day after that and they were talking everyday for as much as they could and each conversation filled his heart with longing. He knew seeing her would release the pining he told himself he wasn’t experiencing.

“Stefan,” said Caroline. “I asked you a question.”

“I just wanted this to be a relaxing weekend,” said Stefan. “You know, the school is closed and Lizzie and Josie are at Alaric’s for the weekend, it’s been a while since it’s been just us and I wanted to savour it. That’s all.”

Caroline looked at him. “Well we can’t tell them to leave,” she said. “Because the girls are looking forward to seeing their Aunt Elena and it’s been ages since Elena’s seen Bonnie, with her schedule, they won’t be able to see each other for a while.”

Stefan smiled. “OK,” he said. “Whatever you say. They’ll stay.”

Caroline smiled back and leaned forward to peck Stefan on the lips.

“Since we’re done here, I think I’m just going to take a shower,” said Stefan.

“Want some company?” said Caroline, grinning suggestively.

“You know, hun, I would but I’m just, I’m really tired,” said Stefan. “I think I’m still worn out from this morning. See you up there.” He gave her a peck on the forehead and headed out of the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Caroline said to herself. “Right.”

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Stefan was up at five a.m. for his morning run. It was an hour earlier than normal but he was restless with guilt and forbidden wants. He needed to move, propel his body forward. He’d been running for twenty minutes straight, plugged into his iPod, willing the music to drown out his thoughts and regrets and fantasies and fears. He could go faster, push his body harder, he wanted to go past his limit, distract himself with pain and effort. He continued to run and increased his speed, the trees and passers-by a blur of colour. After all this time he still felt slow, this wasn’t speed, not compared to what he could do as a vampire but at least — WHAM.

“Oh my god,” he said, taking out his earphones. The woman he ran into was bending down, holding her chest. “I’m so sor — Elena?”

Elena stood up, panting hard. She took out her earphones and looked at Stefan. Track pants and no shirt. She hadn’t for a moment forgotten what he looked like naked, it wasn’t the sort of thing she could forget even if she wanted to, but the memory paled in comparison to seeing it up close again, taut and sinewy, an erotic experience in it of itself. Elena felt her cheeks flush and she cleared her throat.

“Stefan, what are you, why are you up so early?”

“Morning run,” he said. “Have to keep this human body in shape.”

“Yeah but your morning run is at six,” she said.

“I couldn’t sleep,” said Stefan. “And what about you, you usually run at night.”

“I couldn’t stay in that room anymore,” she said.

Stefan nodded. “I know the feeling,” he said. “But are you OK? I knocked into you pretty hard.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry about it,” said Elena.

“Are you sure?” Stefan reached forward to touch Elena. “Because I—”

She took a step back. “Stefan, don’t,” she said.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“I know you didn’t but I … you can’t touch me looking like that,” said Elena, allowing herself to quickly survey his torso. “I’m trying really hard not to look at you as it is.”

Stefan eyed Elena’s legs. “What, you think it’s easy for me to see you in those shorts?”

“I’m not half-naked.”

“No, but I’m picturing it,” said Stefan seriously. He held her gaze, his eyes a quiet intensity and Elena’s breath caught in her throat.

“OK but your chest is glistening,” she said.

“So is yours.”

Elena smiled but then stopped herself. “Are we flirting?”

“No,” said Stefan. “No, we’re observing.” 

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Elena shook her head. “Can you do two more days of this?” 

Stefan’s eyes widened. “What, you couldn’t convince Damon to leave?”

“The more I tried the harder it was, I mean I don’t exactly have a reason to leave that I can tell him, Stefan.”

“I know,” he said. “It was the same thing as me and Caroline.”

“I’m going out of my mind here. It would be —” Elena glanced around and then lowered her voice. “It would be different if I thought this would pass, if it was just me being restless but it’s not, this is never going away.”

“We’re going to have to live with it, Elena. We’re all too connected for us to never see each other again,” said Stefan. “And… I want you in my life any way I can. I spent 143 years without knowing you and I didn’t really feel like my life began until I bumped into you that day in the hallway. And then after knowing you I spent five years of my life without you in it and those five years were … I was just going through the motions, Elena. I mean am I the only one?”

Elena shook her head. “I go crazy if we’re not talking,” she said. “I always have.”

“So then we’re just going to have to force ourselves to be friends,” said Stefan. “Bury everything else. We’ve been doing it long enough.”

“And how are we going to keep doing it?”

“For starters,” Stefan grinned. “I’ll race you back to the house.”

“What are you —”

Elena didn’t finish her sentence before Stefan sprinted away. “Hey, that’s cheating!” she called after him, giggling.

Damon walked into the kitchen expecting to find Elena but only saw Caroline making coffee.

“Morning,” he mumbled.

“You look like crap, Damon,” said Caroline.

“It should be a sin to be so pleasant in the morning, Care Bear.”

Caroline rolled her eyes and handed Damon a mug.

“Where’s your lesser half?” he said.

“Out for a run,” said Caroline. “And where’s your better one?”

Damon paused. “Running,” he said. “I thought she’d be back by now.”

“Elena isn’t the best runner,” said Caroline. “She always sucked at track in high school. Her endurance in cheer left a lot to be desired.”

Damon made a cat noise.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” said Caroline.

“It’s just a little early in the morning for that frenemy thing you and Elena do.” Damon took a big gulp of coffee. “OK, I think I can do a quick workout before breakfast. Some pullups, push ups, we still have weights in the house, right?”

Caroline raised her eyebrow.

“What?”

“Oh nothing,” she said. “It’s just a little too early in the morning for that macho competitive who’s-the-better-brother thing you and Stefan do.”

“I’m just working out, Caroline.”

“And I was just stating facts about Elena’s terrible endurance.”

Damon opened his mouth to retort but was cut off by the sound of the front door clicking open. Stefan and Elena’s laughter filtered throughout the house and not too long after hearing them, Damon and Caroline watched them walk into the kitchen, sweaty and satisfied. 

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“Seven miles,” said Elena, checking her watch. “Personal best.”

“That’s great,” said Stefan. “I still beat you here though.”

“Only because you cheated and gave yourself a head start,” said Elena, laughing.

Stefan walked over to the fridge and took out two water bottles, tossing one to Elena who smiled in thanks. She took a sip and then headed over to the cupboards above the stove, taking out granola cereal for Stefan and Honey Nut Cheerio’s for herself. Stefan put the bottle of milk on the counter and took out two bowls, handing one to Elena who in turn gave him his box of granola.

“You know there’s actually no nutritional value to Honey Nut Cheerio’s, right?” said Stefan, watching as she poured herself a boul. “Plain Cheerio’s sure, but Honey Nut…”

Elena shook her head. “Can’t you just let me live?”

Stefan grinned at her and Elena smiled back. Caroline rolled her eyes and Damon cleared his throat loudly.

“Well look at this,” he said. “You two are like the 21st Century version of Norman Rockwell.”

“Norman Rockwell did paintings, Damon.”

“You think I don’t know who Norman Rockwell is, Stefan?”

“Uh, no, I just—” 

“You may’ve gone to all of the Ivy’s at least twice but I’m not an idiot.”

“Damon, I don’t think he was—”

“Elena, maybe you should just stay out of it?” said Caroline.

Stefan squinted. “OK what’s going on with you guys this morning?”

No one said anything for a beat and then the front door opened again. “Stefan? Caroline?”

Damon looked toward the kitchen’s archway. “Is that Ric?”

There was the pattering sound of running footsteps.

“Mommy!” said Lizzie, running into Caroline’s arms.

“Uncle Stefan!” said Josie.

“Hey!”

Stefan lifted Josie into his arms and Caroline hugged Lizzie, kissing her atop the head. Alaric ambled in after them and grinned at seeing Damon.

“Who the hell let this guy in?”

“Ric!” Damon walked around the kitchen island to hug Alaric and clap him on the shoulder.

Elena watched as Caroline and Stefan smiled at each other and asked the girls questions about their week. After a few seconds they turned to Elena.

“Auntie Elena!”

Stefan put Josie down and Lizzie ran out of Caroline’s arms so they both could hug Elena.

“Oh my God, you two have grown so much since I’ve last seen you!” said Elena, crouching down. “How old are you guys now, twenty?”

They giggled and shook their heads.

“No? Oh my God, you must thirty. I can’t believe it, I missed your thirtieth birthday!”

“Auntie Elena, you’re silly,” said Lizzie.

Elena smiled and then stood up to hug Alaric.

“It’s good to see you, Ric,” she said.

He smiled. “It’s so good to see you guys,” he said. “I can’t wait to catch up but do you mind if I talk to Stefan and Caroline for a minute? It’s about the girls.”

“Uh yeah, sure,” said Damon. “No problem. We’ll just be in the living room.”

“Great, thanks.”

Elena looked on as Stefan and Caroline sat on the breakfast stools next to each other, each of them with a twin in their lap. Alaric moved to the other side of the kitchen island, leaning against the counter to talk to them. Elena followed Damon out of the kitchen and whispered in his ear. “Want to help me get cleaned up?”

He grinned. “Wouldn’t mind if I do.”

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Stefan left the kitchen after Alaric spoke to him and Caroline about the twins’ growing abilities. Caroline was going to ask Bonnie to have lessons with them during the week. When they were finished, Caroline turned to him.

“You should probably make up with Damon,” she said. “We don’t need Salvatore Brother tension around the girls.”

“I don’t even know what we’re fighting about.”

“Do you ever?”

Stefan sighed. “Can’t argue with that.”

He gave the girls wet, splotchy kisses on their cheeks so they could chuckle and then walked up the stairs to Damon’s bedroom.

“Damon?”

He heard the shower running and walked toward the washroom. The door was only halfway closed. “Look, Damon,” he said, pushing his way through. “I don’t know what earlier was about but I just wanted to say —”

Stefan stopped. Damon. Elena. Naked. Entwined.

“Oh my God,” said Elena.

“Dude, knock!” said Damon.

It took a minute for Stefan to speak. He didn’t think he could feel this kind of rage as a human, or such gut-twisting despair. 

“Sorry,” said Stefan. “Sorry.”

He hurried out of the washroom and Elena knew she should just let him go, that to rush out after him, naked and wet, would only bring on suspicion. But she couldn’t let him walk away, she physically couldn’t, this was beyond rationality, beyond logic, she needed to explain herself. Elena disentangled from Damon and moved to rush after Stefan but slipped on the shower tile and fell.

“Shit!”

“Whoa,” said Damon. “Are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” said Elena, holding her ankle.

“OK you clutz, I’ll carry you out of here.” Damon bent down to pick Elena up but she shook her head and held onto the wall, pulling herself up into a standing position.

“I said I’m fine, Damon,” she said, stepping out of the shower and wrapping the towel around her torso. “Thanks.”

 

I need to find a moment alone.

That was how Elena spent the rest of the day. Anxious and eager to find a moment to explain herself, to talk to Stefan alone. She gave the twins presents and asked Alaric about his work, answered questions about the internship and still, her mind was on one loop. I need to find a moment alone. He needs to look at me, please, Stefan look at me, talk to me, let me explain…

But Stefan didn’t catch her eye once. He barely spoke to anyone at all except the twins when they engaged him in conversation. His face would brighten and he would smile widely then when they moved on to someone else, he withdrew into himself, silent and still, almost like a statue. Elena didn’t stare at him for too long but glanced at him frequently, knowing he could feel each glance, he could sense her desperation, but he was unforgiving in his lack of acknowledgment. She wanted to scream.

“You OK, babe? You seem distracted,” said Damon. He touched her knee. Stefan sat on the couch across from them, his eyes elsewhere but Elena knew he saw Damon’s hand on her, she felt his shift, felt the anger that seized him.

It’s not like that she wanted to yell.

“Does anyone want something to drink?” said Stefan, standing up. 

“We have water here, hun,” said Caroline, gesturing to the coffee table.

Stefan smiled tightly. “I’m not talking about water.”

“You know what, Stefan,” said Elena. “I’ll help you pick out a wine.”

Stefan stared at the wall behind her. “Ah, don’t be silly, Elena,” he said. “You look really comfortable here, I think you should stay.”

Elena stood up. “I want to help you pick out a bottle,” she said pointedly. She blinked. “Last night’s choice made me queasy.”

“Fine.” 

He didn’t wait for Elena and left the living room, kissing Caroline atop her head as he walked away. Elena paused, trying not to give away her urgency, and then followed Stefan out to the hallway, walking down the stairs to the wine cellar where she saw him staring at the shelves. She stood on the third step, her hand on the railing.

“Stefan…”

He picked a bottle and stared at it but didn’t turn around.

“Stefan.”

He didn’t answer her and stood still.

Elena walked down the last three steps. “Can’t you even look at me?”

“No,” he said finally.

Elena felt a pang in her chest. “Don’t say that,” she said. “Please don’t say that, Stefan, I—-”

“I can’t look at you,” he said. “Because every time I do look at you, I see him all over you and it makes me want to set the house on fire.”

Elena opened her mouth to say something but couldn’t find any words that would rectify the situation.

“Every time I look at you, this morning plays over and over in my head and I want to get black-out drunk just to forget it. Every time I look at you and see his mouth on you, I want to bash Damon’s head into a wall over and over again and the guilt of that, the shame of that, is suffocating so no, Elena, I can’t look at you because looking at you kills me.”

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say. “I’m really, really sorry, Stefan, I shouldn’t have done it.”

“That’s the thing, you should’ve,” said Stefan. “You two are together, you’re married, that’s what you do when you’re married, you —”

“I didn’t do it because I’m married to him, I did it because you’re married to her and seeing you two with Josie and Lizzie like a family, it…” Her neck stiffened. “I couldn’t even breathe I was so jealous. I saw that life for us, Stefan, I saw it with the visions Markos put in our heads and you’re living it with her, everything I wanted for us, you have with her and I lost it. I had to distract myself from that.”

“Fine.”

Stefan moved to walk back up the stairs but Elena stood in front of him, blocking his path. “Don’t do that. Believe me. I thought I was going to go crazy, it was me trying to get my mind off of you.”

“But I don’t,” said Stefan. “I don’t believe you.”

She put her hands on either side of his face and pierced her eyes into his, holding his gaze. 

“Believe me,” she whispered. “You have to.”

Stefan’s lips started to tremble.

“I can’t let you go until you believe me, Stefan,” she said.

“You shouldn’t want me to believe you.”

“No, I shouldn’t,” she agreed.

Stefan swallowed hard and fluttered his eyes until he closed them, allowing himself to rest his cheek in her hand, to brush his lips against her palm. Elena exhaled deeply, rubbing her thumb back and forth across his cheek. Stefan used his free hand to hold her wrist and Elena inched closer to him.

Caroline’s voice. “Stefan?”

They broke away from each other, Stefan rushing up the stairs. Elena stayed in the cellar and heard him make an excuse. She put her hand over her mouth and sobbed silently. This was going to kill her. This was going to kill them.

“Where’s Elena?” she said. “Bonnie’s here.”

Elena quickly wiped her face, rubbing her eyes. “I’m coming!” she said. “Coming!”

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Bonnie hugged Damon then Caroline and squealed when Elena came running up to her, throwing her arms around her neck.

“Which country did you fly in from?”

“Bali,” said Bonnie. “I’ll tell you about it later, Dr. Gilbert.”

“Oh please I’m so far off from being a real doctor.”

“Oh stop it,” said Bonnie. She looked at Stefan who stood behind the others, smiling nervously.

“Hi, Bonnie …”

“Stefan,” she said stiffly. “You look good.”

“Thanks,” he said.

They both nodded awkwardly and then Stefan looked at the floor. “I’m really glad you’re home,” he said.

She smiled. “Thank you, Stefan.”

He smiled back and then walked down the hall. Bonnie watched him leave. “He doesn’t have to do this every time,” she said. “I’m really working on forgiving him, Caroline, I —”

“I know,” she said. “He knows too. He just wants to do what he can to make you feel comfortable.”

“Do what, what am I missing?” said Damon.

“Stefan just likes giving Bonnie her space whenever she comes over,” said Elena. “He makes himself scarce.”

Caroline looked at her. “How do you know that?”

“Uh…” Elena licked her lips. “Bonnie told me,” she said. “The last time she was here. Right, Bon? You remember.”

“Um,” Bonnie narrowed her eyes slightly. “Yeah, that’s, uh, that’s right.” She turned to Caroline. “So where are the girls? I have presents.”

“Oh my God, they’re just getting spoiled rotten this weekend!” said Caroline. “Let’s go!”

Throughout the night Elena kept a running list in her head of the places Stefan could be. It wasn’t just that he made himself scarce when Bonnie came to visit, he left the premises. Sometimes he visited Enzo’s grave or went to the Salvatore family crypt, sometimes he went to the high school because it “reminded [him] of a time in his life when he was good.” Elena played charades with little effort, answered questions with little focus until Bonnie snapped her fingers in front of her face.

“Elena?”

“Hmm?”

“Come with me for some air?”

“Oh. Sure.”

Elena got up from the sofa and walked with Bonnie out onto the porch. She rested her hands on the brick fence and looked up to the sky. “The stars are out tonight,” she said. “I—”

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on?” said Bonnie.

“What do you mean, nothing’s going on.” 

Bonnie raised her eyebrow. “Elena, come on. You made me lie for you, something is going on.”

“It’s nothing. Stefan and I just talk from time to time, tell each other about our days, that’s all.”

“If that’s all then why you couldn’t you let Caroline know about it?” said Bonnie. “Or Damon.”

Elena opened her mouth but just put her head in her hands. Bonnie sighed. “You and Damon are two of my best friends.”

“I know.”

“I love you and I love him and I just want you two to be happy.”

Elena turned to look at her and smiled. “I know.”

“And I want Caroline to be happy. This is the life she’s always wanted.”

“I know that too,” said Elena.

“I know you do,” said Bonnie. She sighed heavily. “Where do you want to be right now?”

Elena opened her mouth but couldn’t say anything, tears welled in her eyes and she buried her face in her hands, sniffing as she wiped her tars away.

Bonnie nodded her head. “One night,” she said. “You get one night because I still have a psychic energy and I can feel it, Elena, your pain at not being where he is right now, it’s devouring you. I don’t want to know what happens but you get one night.”

“Bonnie, I—”

“Go, make it count and then end it,” said Bonnie. “And we’re never talking about this again.”

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Elena checked Mystic Falls High School first, walking around the campus to see if she could spot Stefan on the bleachers or picnic tables. When she headed over to the stoner’s den, she saw that the back door was propped open with a brick and she slipped into the school. At the end of the first hallway, she spotted Stefan in their old history classroom, sitting on top of a desk, facing away from the door.

She knocked before entering. Stefan didn’t turn around. “You shouldn’t be here,” he said.

“You’re probably right,” she replied. She took a few more steps into the classroom and leaned against the chalkboard. “So when are you coming back to the house?”

“I’m staying here tonight,” said Stefan.

“In the school?”

“Yes, Elena, in the school.”

Elena stared at his back. “Why are you getting mad at me?”

“I’m not mad, I’m frustrated.”

“Fine, why are you getting frustrated with me?”

“Because you’re frustrating, Elena,” said Stefan, getting up from the desk. He turned around to face her, his expression anguished. “For the first time in weeks, hell months, I was sitting here thinking about something other than you and then you show up and you’re here and all I can do is want you. One night. All I ask for is one night of peace and you can’t even give me that. I’m not going back to the house because every time I walk through there I just see memories of you, of us. I’m not going back to the house because l’ve had to do some really hard things in my life, some really hard things and none of them hurt as much as walking away from you in the cellar. I hate this.”

“Right,” said Elena, nodding. “Because it’s been a breeze for me.”

Stefan snorted. “Looks like it has been.”

“What did you just say?”

“You heard what I said.”

“I want you to repeat it,” said Elena. “I want you to repeat how easy it is for me to be in love with you and married to your brother, Stefan.”

“Then you —” Stefan sighed and shook his head. “I can’t do this.” He walked out of the classroom to the hallway but heard Elena’s footsteps behind him.

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“Say it,” she said, running after him. “Say what you’ve always wanted to say. Just once, say the words.”

“I have no idea what you’re —”

“Yes, you do. You’ve wanted to say it for years so say it, Stefan. For once, stop denying yourself something you want.”

Stefan whirled around her so she took a step back. “What I want is you.”

“I want it too, Stefan. This. Us. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret not having this.”

“Then you shouldn’t have chosen him!” Stefan yelled.

Elena stared at him, her eyes glistening.

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have chosen him but you did,” said Stefan. “That nearly destroyed me. You nearly destroyed me. And Caroline was there to pick up the pieces, she was there to tell me that I could, that I would survive you. You did this to us, Elena. This is on you.”

“Finally,” Elena gasped, crying silently. “You finally said it.”

Stefan closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

“I chose Damon because I needed to,” she said. “I needed to know, Stefan. You knew that, that’s why you ended things when you realized my feelings for him got stronger. Then it turned out I was sired so I needed to know even more if what I felt for him was love. It felt like love. But …” She bit her lip. “But then you went missing for three months and nothing else mattered.”

“You said you had the summer of your dreams.”

“I did. I was going to college, Jeremy was alive again, I didn’t know Bonnie was dead, for once it didn’t feel like the universe was conspiring against me, Stefan. But even when I was happy with Damon, I felt your absence. I felt it all summer. I stayed awake every night wondering about you, worrying about you, missing you and wanting to reach out to you so badly but being afraid of hearing your voice because then I couldn’t fool myself anymore.”

Stefan shook his head.

“And when I knew you were in trouble … I felt it, your pain, it was this constant cold chill and I didn’t just need you safe, I needed you here, I needed you with me. And when you didn’t remember who I was, what we meant to each other, it was like nothing made sense. I needed you to remember so badly that that was the only way I found out about Bonnie. It’s when I knew that I never and could never move on from you, you’re not the person I move on from, you’re the person I’m supposed to spend my life with.”

“You married him, Elena.”

“Because you moved on,” she said bitterly. “You fell in love with Caroline. You think I wasn’t screaming inside when I found out you two slept together? You think every time you told me that I should fight for Damon I didn’t want to tell you I wanted to fight for you instead? But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t put you in that position again, I couldn’t hurt Damon and cause even more heartache after the year the three of us had.”

“You’re really good at making excuses.”

“You didn’t want me anymore, Stefan.”

“Of course I did!” He yelled. “Of course I did. Lexi told me … she told me that you were the One but she also said that there are multiple Ones and Lexi is right about a lot of things but she was wrong about this. I can’t love anyone else, not like you and don’t pretend like you didn’t know that, Elena. Damon knew that. Katherine knew it. Rebekah knew it and eventually, I found out that Caroline knew it too. You’re the love of my life, of course I still wanted you!”

He continued down the hallway but Elena followed him. “Stefan—” she grabbed him by the arm and turned him around so that they were facing each other, a breath away from one another, intense wide eyes and heaving chests, her body was humming, his skin itched. 

And then they kissed. 

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Stefan put his hands on either side of Elena’s face and thrust his lips onto hers as Elena reached up and held Stefan by the head, her fingers running through his hair, clenching the strands.

Stefan shifted so that Elena was pressed against the lockers and she stood on tiptoe to deepen the kiss, pushing Stefan to her so that his body was crushed against hers. He gripped her waist, pulling her hips to his, his hands clenching her jeans, kissing her with a hankering that made her tremble against him, made her hold on to him for support. Elena clasped his arms, his back, slipped her hands to his front, massaging his chest through his shirt. She sighed impatiently. She wanted to feel him. She’d wanted to feel him for seven years, explore him again, travel his body, experience the heat of his skin. Quickly, she slid off his shirt, her lips on his collarbone, his shoulder, his chest, grazing her fingertips along his stomach around to his back as Stefan closed his eyes and sighed, kissing her shoulder with a frenzy that inflamed his veins, that took a hold of his hands, of his thoughts, of his will.

Abruptly, he grabbed Elena from behind and lifted her onto him so she wrapped her legs around his waist and he pressed her harder against the locker as he pressed himself into her. Elena gasped as a lock dug into the arch of her back and she squeezed her legs tighter around Stefan as she felt him rock into her, his readiness sprouting an ache low in her gut. She brought her lips to his again, sighing with each groan he uttered, biting his bottom lip when he rocked into her a second time. Agitation took a hold of Stefan; he wanted to find a room, he wanted to feel again, just once, just this night, remember passion, revel in intensity. He moved away from the lockers and started walking down the hall, his hands beneath Elena’s thighs, her hands skating over his bare shoulders, her tongue twirled around his.

When he walked toward a classroom, Elena slammed her hand against the door, pushing it open so they could go inside. Stefan crouched so he could sit Elena on a table and immediately lifted up her top, his palms gliding over her curves. She skimmed the tip of her tongue along his stomach as he unhooked her bra, each of his moans encouraging her to kiss every inch of his skin, to start unbuckling his belt. His exhales agitated her with a desire impossible to bury, that worked through her blood and compelled her to mould her body with his. She’d almost forgotten the breathlessness of it, the intoxication of it, of making love. Expressing love.

Stefan brought her lips to his again and Elena clasped his jaw, lying on her back and bringing him with her. He slipped his hands over hers and removed them from his face, placing them above her head on the table, entwining his fingers with hers. He pulled away and grazed his lips along her throat and then lower to chest, using one hand to cup a breast as he kissed the other so that Elena bowed off the table, moaning loudly, her head thrown back. It was then she realized they were in the library; the bookshelves upside down in her position.

Stefan brushed his lips along her stomach and then stopped at the waistband of her jeans, raising his head to hold her gaze as he undid the button. Slowly, he slipped off her pants, his lips trailing the curves of her legs as he did. He’d wanted to do this since he saw her running in those shorts. He grazed his hands along her calves, as he nestled his nose between her thighs, gently kissing until she whimpered. He wanted to transform that whimper into a scream and brought his mouth to her ache, making Elena mewl loudly and slam her hand on the table. The excess made her writhe, made her moan, made her see spots, and she sat up, grabbing Stefan by the hair, yanking his head back so he could look at her, her eyes urgent, his eyes clouded. It clicked. He stood up and Elena brought him closer to her, unbuckling his belt and slipping her hand beneath the waistband of his boxers, breathing heavily when he threw his head back and sighed. She lay him down on the table and sat astride him, kissing him deeply, her hands in his as she circled her hips.

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They’d been lying in each other’s arms for a while, breathless but calm. Elena traced the outline of Stefan’s profile, her fingertip caressing the bridge of his nose, the bow of his lips, brushing his eyelashes. “Do you think,” she finally said. “Do you think we’ve got this out of our system?”

Stefan looked at her. “If we have we should go,” he said, shifting to get up.

“No,” said Elena. “Don’t move. Not yet. Not …”

“Ever?”

Elena didn’t say anything.

“I guess that’s our answer,” said Stefan.

Her eyes passed back and forth across his expression. “What the hell are we going to do?”


	3. True North

Stefan decided to stay at the school but Elena had to go back to the Salvatore Mansion, she was expected to. Four times she’d said to Stefan, “I should go” and four times he’d responded, “Yeah you should” and four times neither of them broke their gaze or shifted an inch to signal that she should get ready before Elena found the resolve to leave his arms and get dressed. Now, she was parked outside the house, laughing and crying at the same time, her body experiencing every contradictory feeling imaginable. She didn’t regret it — tonight; finally allowing herself to breathe again, to accept that his touch revitalized her, awakened her. Even now she felt at ease, sane, and yet touched with exhilaration, like she had when she and Stefan were together, something within her had been returned and she felt good.

What she did regret was breaking her vows, was betraying one of her dearest friends. It was a particular kind of torture, to feel herself come alive beneath Stefan’s gyrating movements, only to feel a vehement guilt the moment they were away from each other. She felt guilty for leaving him at all, for coming back when it was too late, turning them both into disloyal people, and she felt profoundly ashamed for her unfaithfulness.

Elena took a deep breath in and exhaled. She had to pull herself together. It had been a little over two hours since she’d been gone. She couldn’t waste any more time in the car. Giving herself a pep talk, she opened the car door and headed toward the mansion. She saw Bonnie from the driveway, a glass of bourbon in her hand. When Elena made it onto the porch, they both stared at each other before Bonnie looked away and stared straight ahead, taking a sip from her glass. Elena took an urgent step toward Bonnie and took her by the hand.

“You can’t hate me now,” she said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bonnie, please. I was suffocating before tonight.”

“I know.”

“I felt the way I did before I even met Stefan, like … I didn’t know how to live anymore, but then, I couldn’t feel anything, before tonight I was feeling the absence of everything I did feel when I was with him, it was maddening. I felt like I was going to go crazy.”

“Elena, I know all of this. I felt it,” said Bonnie. “I don’t hate you for going.”

“You don’t?” said Elena, furrowing her eyebrows. “So then why are you…?”

“I hate myself for giving you the permission to go,” said Bonnie dully.

“You threw me a lifeline, Bonnie,” said Elena. “You’re always saving me and I know it sounds dramatic but hearing you tell me to go tonight … you saved me again.” 

Bonnie looked at her and sighed. “I’m glad that I could help you, Elena. I am,” she said. “But now I’m going to have to live with the fact that the lifeline I threw you was Stefan and not Damon. And you’re going to have to live with the fact that Damon’s lifeline is you and you’ve committed to being that. You took vows committing to be that.”

Elena’s lips parted and Bonnie turned to face her completely.

“I cut off Enzo’s hand for Damon, you know. I’ve landed in the hospital for him,” said Bonnie. “I don’t know what happened tonight and I don’t want to know but the fact that you left at all will destroy him. The fact that Stefan didn’t send you back here? Caroline waited a long time for him. First, to even notice her the way she noticed him and then for him to start trusting her with himself. Knowing this will devastate her.”

“I know.”

“I’ll take my responsibility for tonight but if they can’t find out what happened. If they do, the wreckage that’ll come from that? That’s on you. And on him.”

Elena looked at her and nodded stiffly.

Bonnie stared at her for a few moments before she finished the rest of her bourbon and headed back to the front door. She stopped and then turned around. 

“I’ve decided I’m leaving for Venezuela on Monday,” she said.

“Already? You just got here,” said Elena. “Damon said you were going to stay Stateside for a while since you’ve been travelling for nearly half a year.”

“That was originally the plan,” said Bonnie.

“Are you going because of tonight?” said Elena.

“I’m going to get as far away from the wreckage as possible,” said Bonnie.

Elena bit her lip as Bonnie walked back into the house. It stung her; how sure Bonnie was that she’d be selfish enough to cause wreckage, to rip Caroline’s life apart, to completely unravel Damon. It was true, she’d been selfish enough to save herself with Stefan’s kiss, to break vows and betray friendships but that was as far as she would go, could go.

When Elena finished dressing in the library, Stefan sat on the table, topless and silent, his clasped hands beneath his chin.

“I wish you’d say something,” she said.

He stayed quiet.

“I really hate when you don’t talk to me,” said Elena.

No response.

“What, are you punishing me now?”

Stefan lowered his head so that his two pointed thumbs would touch his forehead but he didn’t say anything.

“Stefan.”

“I don’t want you to go,” he said. “I don’t want you to go and I’m keeping quiet because I’m scared that I’ll ask you to stay.”

“Don’t,” said Elena. “Because if you ask I will.”

“I know.”

Elena sighed. “Stefan, what are we going to …”

Abruptly, he stood up and walked over to Elena. He grasped either side of her face and pressed his forehead against hers. Elena squeezed her eyes shut as she clasped his wrists.

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“This can’t happen again,” he said.

“I know,” she whispered.

“No, Elena, this can’t happen again,” said Stefan. “Caroline and I built a life together, you know? This perfect, drama-free life, we’ve worked things out with Alaric and the girls they—”

“They love you.”

“I can’t just turn my back on that.”

“I know, Stefan.”

“No you don’t get it, I don’t think I can see you again,” said Stefan.

Elena opened her eyes and looked up at him through her wet eyelashes. “What?”

“I won’t be able to help myself if I see you, Elena,” he said. “When Klaus compelled me to turn off my humanity, he said—”

“He said that the only thing stronger than your craving for blood was your love for me,” Elena whispered.

“He was right,” said Stefan. “With you by my side, I could and I can beat any temptation, any weakness except when you’re the temptation because then you become my weakness. I told Lexi once, I told her that you were the love of my life and that I’d go back to you in a heartbeat. That hasn’t changed. I will go back to you in a heartbeat, Elena, but I can’t. We made choices.”

“You said that we were all too connected for us to not see each other,” said Elena.

“I know.”

“You said that you couldn’t not have me in your life.”

“I can’t,” said Stefan. “But I’m going to have to because seeing you, being with you, it makes me want to destroy everything for you and that isn’t your fault but I have to do whatever it takes to make sure I do the right thing, even if it means denying myself you and dying inside because of it. I have to, it’s the only way.”

“Yeah,” said Elena. “Yeah, OK.” She moved away from him but the instant she let go of his wrist, Stefan took her by the hand to keep her from leaving. She turned back to look at him, at the anguished expression on his face when he finally allowed himself to let go. She headed to the door.

“Do you hate me for this?” he said.

“No. No, of course not,” said Elena.

“I wish you would,” he said. “It would be easier if you did.”

“How can I hate you when you’re being you? When you’re doing the things that make me love you so much?” Elena turned to look at him. “You’re a good man, Stefan,” she said. “You are.”

And she left.

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Stefan couldn’t stay in the school any longer. He did everything he could to wake up late, to miss Damon and Elena’s departure back to New York. It pained him, how little time he spent with Damon during his visit but he couldn’t bear to look at him, to talk to him, hug him, listen to him when he’d been such a disloyal brother, when every time he so much as looked at Elena, a jealousy overtook him because Damon got to look at Elena without guilt or repercussion. He wondered if this was how Damon felt every time Stefan kissed Elena in front of him, like with each touch, each glance, each kiss, his sanity would slip away. But he had no right to feel that. He’d had no right to the last night.

Stefan had sat next to him when Damon confessed he couldn’t live without Elena, he’d encouraged the two of them to be together, to work thing out, because what Stefan wanted more than anything was Damon’s happiness, was Damon’s maturity, his transformation into a good man, the better man. He thought he could handle it, burying his lingering feelings, his true feelings for the sake of Damon’s betterment and Elena’s curiosity but now Damon’s happiness killed Stefan, it pushed him out to a sea that was treacherous and never-ending and the night before, he’d allowed himself to come ashore, to finally breathe again after seven years. It had been one of the happiest moments of either of his lives, human and vampire, but its cost weighed on Stefan’s already-weighted mind with such profound shame. Even if it meant never seeing Elena or Damon again, Stefan would ensure Damon’s happiness because he owed it to him.

It was an hour later that Stefan took back roads home. He crept through the woods to the back of the Mansion and could hear Bonnie and Caroline outside in the driveway, bidding Damon and Elena a farewell. He hurried up the steps and snuck into the house. If Bonnie was still around it would be easy to convince Caroline that he missed the departure for the sake of delicacy. Stefan headed up the staircase and walked down the hall to his bedroom but passed Damon’s on the way. The door was open. It had been a while since he stepped foot in his brother’s room, perused his book collection. It was the closest Stefan could be to him. 

He walked into the room.

Elena was there, an open overnight bag on the bed. She was packing odds and ends, looking around to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. Her gaze met his and she stared at him. Everything in Stefan stilled and his feet were rooted to the floor. He hadn’t expected to see her here. By the bed that she shared with Damon.

“You weren’t going to see us off?”

There was barely contained anger in her voice. And hurt. The anger he could handle but not the wounded nature of her tone. He could never stand to see her or hear her upset.

“We said our goodbyes last night,” said Stefan. “I was going to call Damon later.”

Elena nodded. “Right.”

Neither of them said anything but just continued to stare at each other. Stefan worked on keeping his breathing steady, on dimming the intensity of his longing, trying to make himself statue-esque.

“So I guess this is it,” she said.

Stefan didn’t say anything, he only nodded and Elena nodded back. “OK.” 

She shouldered her half-opened bag and walked over to the door, a few feet away from Stefan. Her heart thudded and he held his breath. Leave, he thought viciously. If you’re going to leave then leave. Please.

“I think there’s a slipper behind the door,” said Elena.

“OK,” said Stefan. “OK I’ll leave you to it.”

He moved to walk back out into the hallway, Elena exhaling slightly, but then slammed the door shut and held Elena by the waist, bringing her to him so that he could press his lips against hers. The kiss was instantly urgent and tinged with an agonized despair that compelled them to pour everything they had into the embrace. 

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Elena moved so that Stefan shuffled against the wall and her palms slid over his chest and shoulders as he gripped her waist with one hand and cupped her cheek with the other. Each time it felt like one might break away, the other leaned forward and deepened the kiss, rendering the both of them breathless and feverish, dooming them to the full extent of their wanting and regret. Finally, they wrenched away from each other, panting heavily. A tremor ticked beneath Stefan’s reddened face and he leaned his head against the wall, his expression raw, as Elena put her hand to forehead and gasped for air. Both of them were too affected to speak, silent tears streaking their faces. 

Calls from downstairs.

“Elena, babe, you ready?”

Quickly and quietly, they wiped their eyes and rubbed their faces, doing everything they could to make their expressions normal again.

“Coming!” she shouted.

She moved to open the door but when Elena reached for the doorknob, Stefan put his hand over hers so that she stopped to look up at him. His lips quivered as he brushed her hair from face, stroking her cheek. Elena closed her eyes at his touch.

“You’re going to make me cry again,” she whispered. She took Stefan’s hand in hers and kissed his palm then opened the door and left Damon’s room, trying to quell the tears burning her throat.

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It should’ve been easy. Distracting herself. Elena was always on her feet, doing pre-rounds and rounds, always putting herself on the on-call list, always doing charts, studying procedures — she pushed her limits and exhausted herself daily. But exhaustion couldn’t kill a feeling. The terrible loss she suffered since leaving Stefan in Damon’s bedroom infiltrated everything, it made her feel heavy and empty at the same time. Her mind was too tired to scream at her, to tempt her into going on Facebook or Instagram, to send him an email but her body was weighted with his absence.

Then there were the flashbacks.

Whenever she could sleep it was never restful but interrupted with flashes of that night, of the library. His writhing back or gyrating hips, the way their fingers entwined on the table, the way he brushed her hair from her forehead, the heat of his skin, the deep tenor of his groan. Then she’d wake up, twisted with longing, and she’d need to shower to clear her head. The problem was what she ached for wasn’t simply the sex, it was what the sex allowed between them, something she’d only ever felt and discovered with Stefan. Intimacy. True, unfiltered intimacy that tied them to each other. That never failed in pulling them back to one another, except before, they were pulled back with a gaze or a smile, a touch of the hand, not this, not the physical act of intimacy.

Still, Elena did all she could to distract herself, which meant spending all of her time at the hospital. In two months, she’d been back to the loft less than 10 times and it was for the best. She couldn’t look at Damon without feeling both resentment and shame and she couldn’t see the pictures there were of her and him and Caroline and Stefan. Each time she saw his face, heard Damon speak his name, she felt something in herself crumble, something in herself desperate to email him or call him and then she’d excuse herself to the bedroom to scream into a pillow.

But tonight she would have no choice but to go home.

“Elena, you’re sick!” said Dr. Peters.

“I’m fine,” she said.

Elena got up from the washroom floor and flushed the vomit down the toilet, leaving the stall to wash her hands. 

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“You’ve been throwing up since this morning, you’re disoriented, go home or I will commit you,” said Dr. Peters.

“But what about the appendectomy I’m supposed to assist with this afternoon?” said Elena as she walked out of the washroom into the hallway.

Dr. Peters looked to her left. “Salinski, you up to the challenge?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Salinski smirked and winked at Elena before following Dr. Peters down the hall. Elena mimed choking him. Wait till I tell Stefan what Salinski did this time…

As soon as she thought it, Elena closed her eyes and groaned. 

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If it wasn’t getting any easier after two months, it was never going to get easier.

 

Breakfast with Caroline and the girls. Staff meetings. Classroom check-ins. Reports. Fundraising calls.

That was how Stefan spent his days; committing himself to what he made of his life, doing everything he could to be in it, to look forward to it, to love all of it to his fullest, not just his time with the twins. During the days, he did everything he could to do right by his choices.

It was the nights that were the problem.

Nights he tossed and turned in bed next to Caroline, unable to sleep, unable to rest and then he would go out for a walk and find himself at Miss Mystic High. Every time he thought he would just turn around and go back home and every time he found himself in the school, in the library. He stared at the tables and would see it all in his mind: Elena kissing his skin like she wanted to commit every sensation to memory. 

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The way she held his face, locking her eyes with his. 

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The way she sighed each time he did something she liked, 

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her moan in his ears, the memory so clear he throbbed slightly.

And then he saw after, when she was in his arms, her head rested on his chest,

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how she smiled at hearing his heartbeat, 

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how calm he’d felt, how right it all felt, how he never so badly wished for a night to last forever until that moment. How that wish still ached in his chest, kept residence in his thoughts. 

Doing paperwork: If only that night never ended …

The laundry: If only that night never ended …

A run: If only that night never ended …

Then he would see other things. He would see him, Caroline and April around the table, Rebekah compelling Elena to tell the truth, to explain in excruciating detail how she fell out of love with Stefan and into love with Damon. He would feel the anguish that tore through him that day and the anguish that ripped him a part everyday after that, and he would be flooded with a resentment that made it difficult for him to breathe, that made him think of how easy it would be to just hate Elena. To hate her for choosing Damon, to hate her for coming that weekend two months ago, to hate her for chasing down the hallway and allowing him to wreck everything for a night that did in fact end. He thought of how easy it would be to hate her then forget her, to chalk it up to a love lost, chalk up their lovemaking to a necessary system cleanse.

It would’ve been easy to do these things. But it was impossible.

Stefan watched as Caroline sat beneath the covers, looking over reports made by the teachers. He couldn’t do this. He had to do this. He shouldn’t do this. How could he not do this. It was unbearable, the constant battle in his head. He walked further into the room and sat on the foot of the bed, going over and over what he planned on telling her.

“We need to talk,” he said, his voice hoarse.

“About the reports? I know. Is it about Larissa? Are we sure she’s actually witch because her class is showing no development whatsoever and —”

“No, Caroline —”

“— I expected Bonnie to be back for more than a weekend because then she could’ve taught the class —”

“Caroline—”

“— then we could’ve schmoozed her, asked her to stay for a full-time position—”

“Caroline, I’m trying to tell you something. Please.”

She stopped talking and looked up from the paperwork. When she saw the expression on Stefan’s face, she closed the folder. “What is it?”

Stefan stayed silent for a few moments before speaking again. “I’ve been struggling,” he said. “I’ve been struggling with trying to figure out what the right thing is for … months.”

Caroline furrowed her eyebrows.

“I thought keeping this to myself and living with the guilt, refusing to make myself feel better by telling you was the selfless thing to do, that it would keep you happy, but…” Stefan shook his head. “I respect you so much, Caroline. Too much to make a fool out of you. I couldn’t stand it if I did that. You deserve so much more than that, so much more than me.”

“Stefan, you’re scaring me…”

He looked up at her, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I slept with someone else,” he said.

Caroline laughed. “You what? You…?” Her smile faded. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I am so, so sorry, I just—”

“No, I don’t.” Caroline shook her head and cleared her throat. “I don’t think I heard you, I’m going to need you to repeat it.”

Stefan looked at her.

“I’m serious, I think I must be having a brain fart or something, I need you to say what you said again so I can fully process it.”

“I, uh,” he took a deep breath. “I slept with someone else,” he said. “A few months ago.”

Caroline stared at him, her expression deadpanned. Stefan continued to look at her, jogging his knee with anticipation. He chewed on his lower lip.

“Care —”

“No,” she said.

He blinked. “No?”

“No,” she said again. “That doesn’t make any sense, you wouldn’t …” She threw off the covers and stood up, pacing up and down beside the bed. “You wouldn’t do that, you love me. You love the girls. You wouldn’t do something like this, this is completely out of character.”

“I’m not a good man,” said Stefan. “I really tried to be one but I … I did this, Caroline. I know it’s hard to accept, I know you put your faith in me to be better than —”

“No!” said Caroline angrily.

Stefan closed his eyes.

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“I’m not rejecting the truth, Stefan, I’m not making excuses for you, I’m being honest. You wouldn’t do this, you wouldn’t be unfaithful, that just isn’t who you are. You wouldn’t betray me or this family for some random skank, you wouldn’t. You just …” She sighed. “Wouldn’t. Unless…”

She turned to him.

“Unless she was worth it to you. Unless it felt like you truly couldn’t help yourself because you’ve been longing for her for years and she’s been festering in the corner of your heart for nearly a decade. Unless she was the woman you loved more than you thought you could love anyone else.”

“Caroline…”

“Unless it was Elena,” she said waspishly. “There is no other woman on the freaking planet you would do this for.” 

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Stefan shook his head.

“Was it her?”

“Caroline…”

“Was. It. Her?” she yelled.

“I…”

Caroline made a movement, using her vamp speed so that she was right in front of Stefan, her hand grabbing the lower half of his face. “Stefan tell me right now or I swear to God I will compel you to answer me.”

Stefan’s eyes watered. “The night that Bonnie came over, we… I … I’m so sorry, it wasn’t planned.”

Caroline let go of Stefan rushed back. “I can’t believe this. I can’t freaking believe this!” She brought her hands to her face then pinched the bridge of her nose as she started to cry. “Why is it so easy for you to hurt me?” 

Stefan got up to try and comfort her. “No, Caroline, I didn’t mean—” he put his hands on her shoulders but she shrieked and moved away.

“No, no! Don’t touch me!”

She scurried over to the other side of the room.

“Caroline, please, the twins are sleeping—”

“Don’t bring up the twins,” she yelled. “Do not bring up the twins after telling me you were unfaithful to this family.”

“I know,” said Stefan, raising his hands. “I know, I’m sorry, I just don’t want —”

“I mean, my God, Stefan! Does she still have such a hold on you? After all this time? After both of you got married? What is it about her? I mean, I, was it just about the sex?”

The easy answer would’ve been ‘yes’ but Stefan couldn’t say it, he owed Caroline the truth and he couldn’t bear to belittle Elena or the night they’d shared, the night that had meant everything to him.

“No,” he said, his voice shaky. “I’m in love with her. I’ve never not been in love with her and what happened that night …” He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “It was me being in love with her. And it shouldn’t have happened. I should’ve buried it, suppressed it, ignored it, done anything but give into it, I’m —”

“Oh just shut up!” Caroline yelled. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? ’Buried it’, ‘suppressed it’, ‘ignored it, you’re telling me that that’s how intense this was for you? You’re an incredible bastard,” she said. “You have ruined us for a high school romance, Stefan It’s been seven damn years, let it go! Get a grip!”

“I wish that it was as simple as that, Caroline,” said Stefan.

“IT IS THAT SIMPLE!”

“But it’s not,” said Stefan. “From the moment I met Elena, I knew …” He sighed. “I’m not trying to hurt you, I don’t like hurting you, but I owe you the truth and the truth is I just …” Stefan shrugged, his eyes red. “I can’t love anyone the way I love her. She’s the love of my life. I’ve been alive for two life times, going on a third, and Elena is the only woman I’ve ever been able to give myself over to completely. But we’re just … we’re not meant to be together, that’s been proven.”

“The love of your— so then what am I?” she shouted. “What is this? Your consolation prize.”

“You’re my choice,” said Stefan.

“By default!” said Caroline. 

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“Caroline, I … I care so much about you, about the school and the years we spent building this life.”

“Practicalities, these are all just obligations and commitments,” said Caroline.

“I love sharing them with you,” said Stefan.

“But do you love me, Stefan?”

“Of course I do.”

“In what way? Hmm? If not in the ‘Elena’ way then what way? What way? WHAT WAY?”

“Caroline, just tell me what to do,” said Stefan. “What do you want me to do? You want me to leave? I’ll leave just, please, let me see the girls from time to time and —”

“No I don’t want you to leave, I want you to stop loving her!” she roared.

“I—”

“STOP LOVING HER.”

There was a creak and Stefan turned around. Josie and Lizzie were in the doorway, draped in nightgowns, their faces contorted in terror.

“…Uncle Stefan…?” said Josie.

“… Mommy…?”

“Oh, hey, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” said Stefan, rushing up to them. He held them in a hug, their tiny hands clasped to his back.

“Did we scare you?” he asked, kissing each of them on top of their heads. “We’re sorry. Sometimes grownups don’t get along too well and they raise their voices, but it’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK.”

Stefan looked behind him to Caroline who shook her head and sunk onto the foot of her bed, cradling her head in her hands.

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Damon was at the far end of the loft, in the living room. The TV was on and he was sitting across from it on the couch, his feet on the coffee table, a half-empty bottle of Scotch next to them. Elena walked, zombie-like, to the couch. Her stomach was queasy but she didn’t feel like throwing up, she was only nauseous. Damon glanced at her.

“Doth my eyes deceive me? Is my wife actually standing in her home? He smiled and jutted out his cheek for a peck.

Elena stood where she was, opening and closing her mouth, the past two months weighing her down. She shook her head. I can’t … I can’t anymore …

“I slept with Stefan,” she said.

Damon furrowed his eyebrows. “You slept with …?” Hastily he picked up the remote and turned off the TV then faced her. “Come again.” 

Elena felt her face begin to redden with emotion. “It was back when we visited them, the night Bonnie came over to the house, but it was …” She chewed on her lower lip. “It was building for a while.”

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“Seven years I bet,” said Damon harshly. He banged the remote onto the coffee table and stood up. “Is that why you were so insistent that we go there?”

“I wanted to see him happy with Caroline. It was supposed to deter me, it was supposed to shut down those feelings but I just —”

“Ended up screwing my brother,” said Damon.

“Hurting you is the last thing that I wanted.”

“Then why did you tell me?” said Damon, throwing his hands up in the air. “Why couldn’t you have just lied to me?”

“Because I’m tired of lying,” said Elena, tears brimming. “I’ve been lying to the both of us for so long and it’s done nothing but drive me crazy and make you wonder why I’m so distant. It’s made our life hell. Nothing good comes from lying.”

“Nothing good comes from cheating on your husband either,” said Damon. “You cheated, Elena.”

“I’m not proud,” she said, shaking her head. “Believe me, I’m not proud. I’m sorry. Really sorry.”

“You’re sorry,” he said, nodding. “Sorry. But would you take it back?”

Elena bit her lip.

“It’s a simple question, would you take it back, Elena?”

“I can’t say that I would.”

Damon yelled and picked up the glass bottle next to the remote, throwing it against the wall. “Why can’t you just have the decency to lie to me?”

“Because you need to know, I need to say these things, Damon, we need to talk!”

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He whirled around her. “Fine, you want to talk, how was it?”

“How was what?”

“The sex,” said Damon. “How was the sex?”

Elena shook her head and walked to the other end of the loft. “Don’t do this.”

“No, stop,” Damon took her by the arm and turned her toward him. “You’re so big on honesty, Elena. The fact that it’s two months after you broke your wedding vows isn’t hypocritical at all. So let’s be honest, how many times did you two screw?”

Elena wrenched her arm out of Damon’s hand and folded them. “It was just that night.”

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“One time in that night?”

She paused. The memory flashing before her mind. Her finger tracing his lips. His eyes pierced into hers. Mingled sighs. Heavy breathing. The hardness of the table against her back, the hardness of him…

“Four,” she whispered.

“Well good to know you two were productive,” he said bitterly. He started to pace. “Did you finish?”

Elena cleared her throat. “Yes.”

“How many times?”

She stared at him, pained.

Damon’s eyes flashed. “How. Many. Times?”

“Nine.”

Damon gritted his teeth. “Do you fantasize about it?”

“Damon…”

“Do you?”

Elena sighed. “Yes.”

“How many times a day?”

“I don’t — I don’t know, I don’t count…”

“That many, huh?”

Elena wiped the tears from her eyes. “Aren’t you done yet?”

“No,” he said. “So it’s better with him then.”

Elena shrugged helplessly. “It’s different.”

“Different how? Better?”

“It’s not just sex with him, it’s…” Elena rubbed her temple. “There’s more to it than quick pleasure. We connected. We always connected when we’re together, we made love, it’s … intimate.” 

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“And what, what we have isn’t? We don’t connect?”

“Damon—”

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“You married me, Elena. You chose me. You stuck by me through… everything, why would put up with it if there was no intimacy, if you didn’t love me.”

“I never said I didn’t love you,” said Elena. “I just—”

“You never unfell for him, right?” said Damon dangerously. “Even after all that you and I have gone through, it’s still the same isn’t it?”

Elena shook her head. “I can’t help it,” she said.

“So then everything you told me, was that a lie?”

“Of course not.”

“You said I was your soulmate.”

“I know—“

“SO THEN WHY DID YOU FUCK STEFAN?”

“I didn’t plan it!” said Elena, “He’s just … he’s more than—”

“Than what? Than me? Than what I am to you? What am I to you, Elena?”

“You are a great love, Damon,” she said, her voice thick with tears.

“And him?”

“He’s too many things to count,” said Elena. “The love I have for him, it’s just, it’s a part of me, it’s like a natural state, it’s there even when everything else is gone. He’s like my True North.” 

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“Your True North,” Damon repeated. “Your True North. Are you leaving me for him? Is that why you told me this.”

“I–”

“Because I’m not going to let you go, Elena. I can’t, I can’t live without you,” said Damon. “Don’t our vows mean anything to you.”

“Yes —”

“So then this is worse. For better or for worse, this is worse. Elena, I can’t, I can’t exist in this world if you’re not by my side.”

Elena rubbed her eyes. “Damon…”

“I mean it,” he said. “This human life means absolutely nothing without you.”

Elena opened her mouth to speak when her cell rang. It was a specific tone. She reached into her jacket pocket.

“Are you seriously answering the phone right now?” said Damon.

“It’s important.”

Elena took out her phone, sliding the bar to the left and put it to her.

“Can you talk?”

Elena closed her eyes for a brief second. It felt like a lifetime since she’d heard his voice.

“It’s not really a good time,” she said.

“OK,” said Stefan. “Um, I told Caroline.”

“You — you what?”

“I told Caroline,” Stefan repeated. “And she’s coming to New York.”


	4. Defining Moments

Caroline didn’t know how fast she was going before she crashed the car into a tree. Well over 100 kilometers per hour that was for sure. It was hard to tell if she was driving that fast because she urgently needed to get to the airport or because she’d wanted to express her rage somehow far away from the girls.

She hadn’t been sitting in the car long, the hood dented, airbags deployed, before a police car flashed its lights in her rearview mirror. She groaned. The gash on her forehead was already healed. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, she wanted to be left alone. Her husband, her loyal and kind and honest husband, had been honest with her and told her about the affair he’d had with her best friend, the one woman in the world he would do anything for, and she just needed some fucking space.

Caroline fought back tears. She’d let herself believe that Stefan would do anything for her too. He’d sold his soul to save her children, after all, and once, he’d died protecting her, but it now occurred to Caroline that sacrificing his body, his humanity for such righteous goals was … not easy for Stefan but clear, almost necessary, something he wouldn’t hesitate to do because it was right. But letting go of Elena, no matter how much he tried, it was something he plainly couldn’t do. Not even for Caroline.

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A flashlight beamed into her window. Caroline decided she was going to compel the officer away, but when she rolled down her window, she realized she was stopped by Matt.

“Matt?” She closed her eyes and sighed. “Hey.”

“I recognized your car. What happened?”

“I just lost control,” she said.

“I’m guessing you’re OK. Everything’s healed.”

She snorted. “Healed,” she said. “Sure.”

“Well I can call a tow,” he said. “Maybe Stefan can give you a lift?”

“No,” said Caroline sharply. “I don’t want to talk to Stefan.”

“Whoa,” said Matt. “Dare I ask?”

Caroline looked up at him. “Get in,” she said.

“What?”

“Get in,” she said again.

“You want me to get into your completely totaled Prius?”

“It’s perfectly safe,” said Caroline impatiently. “Just get in.”

Matt sighed and clicked off his flashlight, walking around the car to the other side. He got into the passenger’s seat.

“What’s up?”

Caroline didn’t say anything for a minute then turned to look at him. “When did you get over Elena?”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “What?” he laughed.

“I’m serious,” she said. “When you and I started dating, you said you weren’t over Elena yet.”

“Oh, Care.” Matt sighed.

“I just want to know what it is about her.”

Matt shook his head. “Elena and I knew each other basically from the moment we were born.”

“I know, you two shared a crib, I’ve heard the story.”

“Yeah and … I loved her longer than I could remember and it sort of just became a habit to love her, you know? It wasn’t until I started dating you that I realized what I felt for Elena was just a strong attachment to someone I cared about. It wasn’t until she started dating Stefan that I realized she never loved me. Not in the way I thought anyway.”

Caroline laughed bitterly. “Leave it up to Stelena to teach you the meaning of love.”

Matt looked at her. “What’s going on with you?”

“He’s not over her,” she said. “Stefan. He’s still in love with her after all of this time, he just can’t let her go.”

“Oh come on, I’m sure that’s not true.”

“It is,” said Caroline. “And I knew it too. I’ve always known it, I can’t say that I didn’t. I watched him try to get over her, I watched him trust her when he thought he was over her and … we got together and he was perfect. He was thoughtful and kind and supportive but … distant in a way he wouldn’t even know he was. Still, I thought he was mine. I thought he committed himself to being mine.”

“Caroline, Stefan and I may’ve had our differences in the past but … he’d walk through fire for you.”

“Yeah he would,” Caroline agreed. “He’d die for me and his last word would still be ‘Elena’.” 

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Matt sighed. “Maybe this isn’t what you want to hear but … I was front row for a lot of the drama and Stefan and Elena … they just had something, you know? Something you can’t really understand completely because of how special it is? Maybe something like that just … doesn’t go away and maybe they just have to live with that.” 

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Caroline looked at him, her eyes brimming with tears. “Why couldn’t he have had that with me?”

“Don’t you think you already had that with Tyler?”

Caroline sighed. “Not like what they had.”

“No one can have what they had.”

“Yeah,” said Caroline. “That’s the problem.”

Stefan threw a bunch of clothes into a duffle bag. He had dropped the twins off at Alaric’s twenty minutes before and now he was packing for a trip to New York. He didn’t know what Caroline planned to do or say but he couldn’t let Elena face it alone, he couldn’t let Damon hear it or see it without being there to answer for what he’d done. He’d booked a red eye flight and called a cab to rush him to the airport.

It had been twenty minutes into the ride when his phone rang. He still hadn’t changed her ring tone even though this was the most they’d spoken in eight weeks. He’d given Elena her own ring tone for practical reasons; it made it easier to know when to answer or ignore calls, but he’d mostly given her her own tone because knowing she was calling him always made his heart flutter, made the corners of his mouth twitch with an urge to smile, and even now, even in this mess, his giddiness at her ring, at knowing she was calling him, hadn’t dampened.

He picked up. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi.”

Silence.

“I told Damon,” she said.

Stefan’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected that. He’d anticipated telling Damon himself. He didn’t know if he preferred it but he’d always imagined being the one to confess to his brother. The fact that Elena did made him oddly glad because it meant she was sick of it too, she couldn’t hold it in anymore, like him.

“Why did you tell him?” he asked.

“Why did you tell Caroline?” said Elena.

“Because she doesn’t deserve my dishonesty.”

“Damon doesn’t deserve mine either.”

Stefan paused. “And because I…”

He heard Elena sniff.

“I can’t pretend like that night didn’t happen,” she said. “It’s with me everyday.”

Stefan exhaled heavily and shook his head. “I miss you,” he whispered breathlessly.

“I miss…” Elena took a deep breath, hyperventilating. “I miss you.”

Stefan squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his head against the window. 

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“I’m coming to New York,” he said. “I need to speak to Damon. I owe that to him.”

“Don’t try to stop Caroline, OK?” said Elena. “I owe it to her too.”

Damon lay on the ground behind the bar, empty bottles of scotch and vodka clustered around him. His head pounded, his stomach was sludge, he felt like death. His phone started buzzing and he yelled in frustration as he rooted around the pretzel-covered floor to find it.

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It was Alaric.

He picked up. “What?” he groaned.

“Stefan dropped the girls off last night and said that he and Caroline had to go to New York. Is everything OK?”

“The world as we know it is over since you’re asking,” said Damon. “Everything is going up in flames, there’ll be nothing left but ashes.”

“Okay, I need to know if there is an actual supernatural emergency I need to prepare for or if that’s just hyperbole,” said Alaric.

“Hyperbole,” said Damon. “Doesn’t make it any less true, though.”   
“What happened?”  
“Ric, let me ask you something,” said Damon, sitting up, cradling his head in his free hand. “Do you think Elena loves me?”

“What? She married you.”

“That isn’t answering the question,” said Damon.

“Of course she loves you, Damon. What’s this about?”

“Do you think she loves me more than Stefan?”

There was a beat. “Why does that matter?”   
“You’re terrible at being evasive,” said Damon. “I have a hangover the size of Montana and I can still tell you don’t want to answer the question.”

“It’s a stupid question. She chose you.”

“She did choose me, that doesn’t mean she stopped loving him.”

“Well their love isn’t the kind of love that stops, that doesn’t —”

Damon blinked. “What does that mean?”

“It means that you need to get off your bar floor, clean yourself up and apologize to Elena for whatever the hell it is you did that got you on the floor in the first place.”

“No, Ric,” Said Damon. “What did you mean?”

He sighed. “Look, I’ve seen how Elena loves you, OK? I was the one who erased her memories of you because your death hurt her too much.”   
“Believe me, I remember,” said Damon. “What’s your point?”

“For any of it to work, Elena had to hone in on the moment she realized she loved you,” he said. “Her eighteenth birthday party.”   
“And?”

“And she loved you for a moment because you were selfless enough to put her love for Stefan above your love for her,” he said. “You gave her back the necklace, she called it a symbol of hope between her and Stefan, a symbol of their relationship. She loved you for giving it back to her even though you knew what it meant.” 

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Damon cleared his throat. “So you’re saying that Elena loved me because she loved him.”

“Those two are just …” Alaric sighed again. “They’re a part of each other, Damon. Haven’t you made your peace with that yet?”   
Damon looked at the empty bottles. “I gotta go.”

“Wait, you still haven’t told me why Caroline and —”

Damon hung up the phone and whipped it to the side so it broke a part against the counter.

When Elena returned to the table, Caroline was in the seat across from hers, sitting utterly still. Earlier in the morning she had texted Elena to meet up at the café around the corner from her loft and Elena came early so she could rush to the washroom to vomit as many times as she could before Caroline arrived. She’d ordered peppermint tea for herself and then told the waitress that if a pissed off blonde woman came into the café, to direct her to her table and when Elena came out of the washroom for the fourth time, Caroline was waiting for her.

Elena sat down and said nothing, not even hi. She knew Caroline would want to have the first word and the last and after everything Elena put her through, it was the least she could. Elena’s stomach lurched whether from the anxiety of the situation or simple nausea she wasn’t sure but she took a sip of her tea.

“You must think I’m an idiot,” said Caroline. “Or delusional.”

“Caroline, I don’t think —”

“Don’t interrupt me,” she said severely.

Elena pressed her lips together.

Caroline clenched her jaw as the waitress placed her cappuccino in front of her. She picked up the spoon and started stirring the coffee methodically.

“How long did you know?” she said. “Did you know from the minute I told you I had feelings for him or when I turned off my humanity because he couldn’t just give me an answer? Did you know then that me and you would end up here having this conversation and just laugh to yourself as you watched me make a fool out of myself?”

“I wanted you two work.”

Caroline looked up at Elena, her expression deadly. “Did you honestly just say that?”

“I really did,” said Elena. “You’re perfect, Caroline. You’re everything that Stefan deserves and all I ever wanted was for Stefan to get what he deserves.”

“And you had to ruin it by sleeping with him?”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“You just couldn’t let me have this.”

“I didn’t seek out hurting you.”

“Then why did you sleep with my husband?” said Caroline, raising her voice.

Elena looked at her, teary-eyed. “Why did you sleep with Klaus?” she said. “The moments before you did it, what did you feel?”

Caroline’s eyes narrowed. “What does that have to do with what you did? Don’t you dare tell me that you’re using what happened with me and Klaus to justify—”

“No,” said Elena, shaking her head. “I’m not judging, I’m not passing blame or throwing anything in your face, I just want to know what you felt.”

Caroline didn’t say anything.

“Was your heart pounding so loud and so fast you were worried he would hear it, that he would know how nervous you were, how excited you were? Were you dizzy, light-headed? Was your skin on fire? Did something erupt in you that just took a hold of your body and it just, it had to come out?”

Caroline stared at her, breathing heavily, her expression tense.

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“And what about before you kissed Tyler for the first time?” said Elena. “It happened at my birthday party right? You were jealous and fighting and did you feel like … like if you didn’t kiss him you’d go crazy? Like if you held in how you felt about him for one more second then you would just … explode? Did you need him to know how much you liked him with every ounce of your being just so you could get a moment of peace?”

Caroline’s eyes started to water.

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Elena swallowed hard. “Combine all of those emotions, mix in a few more, multiply it by a billion and add seven years,” said Elena. “That’s what I felt that night.” 

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“So what are you trying to say, that forces out of your control made you sleep with Stefan?”

“I’m saying that I love him.”

“You love him?” Caroline repeated incredulously. “You broke him! Seeing you with Damon ripped him to shreds, Elena. Time after time I told you Stefan was the better choice and you still stuck with Damon even after everything that he did to me, to Jeremy, to everyone, and it completely wrecked Stefan!”

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“He didn’t think he’d be able to live after that day in the library! I had to be his sober sponsor because he was just so devastated and tempted to go on a ripper binge! He was heartbroken!”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Elena yelled.

Other customers in the café started shifting in their seats, looking at the two of them nervously but Elena didn’t care, they were well passed waspish decorum.

“You think I don’t know how badly I hurt him? You think I didn’t see it? Well I did Caroline and it killed me. It killed me that I caused him so much pain!”

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Tears sprung to Elena’s eyes.

“I care about Stefan with everything I’ve got and Damon had to be my choice because there had to be a reason that I hurt someone I love so much. If Damon wasn’t the one, then what was it all for? Why did I do that to Stefan? How could I justify the heartache I caused? I couldn’t face knowing that it all happened because I just needed to get something out of my system. That would’ve been …” Elena shook her head frantically.

“And Damon?” she said. “I … I don’t know what he would’ve done if I’d left.” She rushed through her words, agitated and panicked. “I don’t know what he’s going to do now. Every time my phones rings I’m scared it’s the police telling me they found his body floating in the Hudson or on the sidewalk outside of the Empire State Building.”

Elena put her hands to her mouth and her shoulders shuddered with her anxious breathing.

“I can’t be responsible for him dying,” she said.

Caroline leaned back in her chair and stared at Elena, hostility emanating from her glare. “You should just make a career out of destroying lives,” she said. 

Elena swallowed the insult and let a tear roll down her cheek.

“But do you know what’s the most pathetic thing about this entire situation?” said Caroline. “I am having the shittiest couple of days and there are two people I instinctively want to vent to. One of them is Bonnie who is MIA and the other one…” Caroline shook her head. “Is you. My brain still has you wired as my best friend. But then I look at you and all I want to do is claw your eyes out. Literally.”

Elena lowered her head.

“I feel like I’ll hate you for the rest of your life,” said Caroline.

Elena opened her mouth to speak but it was a few moments before she said anything. “Caroline, I have to tell you something,” she said. “And hopefully it’ll change your mind about what you just said.”

Caroline sighed and took a sip of her cappuccino. “I’m listening.”

 

Stefan opened the door to Damon’s bar. It was very grunge, very 80s, very Damon. He’d rehearsed what he was going to say on the flight, going over and over the various apologies he’d come up with, scribbling things down on cocktail napkins, muttering to himself, arguing with himself. It all seemed useless now that he was here.

Damon’s back was to the door when Stefan entered. He was stacking chairs on grimy tables.

“We are not open for business today. Scratch that, we won’t be open for the rest of the week,” he said over his shoulder.

Stefan didn’t’ say anything and just stared at Damon’s back, an overwhelming guilt crushing his windpipe. His brother was wrecked. He had wrecked his brother.

“Are you deaf?” said Damon. “I said —”

He turned around and then froze when he saw Stefan by the entrance. Neither of them said anything. Stefan didn’t even dare move. His mind was blank. Damon’s expression looked blank enough, maybe vaguely surprised to see Stefan there. All that time spent on finding the right words and Stefan couldn’t remember anything he’d decided on, he could only stand and watch as his brother’s expression turned dangerous. Damon let the chair fall to the floor and walked, determined, up to Stefan. 

“Damon, I’m sorry. I —”

He punched Stefan in the face so hard that he spit out blood. Damon pushed him so that he slammed against the wall.

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“Come on,” said Damon. “Fight me.”

“I’m not going to —”

Damon punched him again so that Stefan fell to the floor, his head pounding with the blows. “Just fucking fight me! HIT ME.”

Stefan shook his head. “No, I don’t want to. I’m just, I’m so sorry —”

Damon hit him again so that Stefan’s lip cut across his teeth.

“You’ll fuck my wife but you won’t hit me?” Damon yelled.

Stefan tried to stand up but Damon knocked him back down, hitting him so the back of Stefan’s head crashed against the wall. He winced and rolled over to the side. “I’m so sorry,” he said.

“STOP SAYING THAT!” Damon exclaimed. “Stop feeling guilty, stop martyring yourself, just stop it! Everyone says you’re the better Salvatore, everyone says you’re a good man but good men don’t go around screwing their brother’s wife!”

Stefan stayed on the ground, bloodied and panting. “I know,” he said. “I have no excuse. I’m a terrible brother.”

Damon’s eye twitched. “SHUT UP!”

He punched him again. Stefan wheezed.

“Do you think I like this life?” said Damon. “Do you think I like being a half-broke human bartender? I don’t like tending bars, Stefan, I like drinking at them! But I did this for her. To be with her. I gave up immortality to give her everything she wanted and it turns out that what she wants, still, is you! And you just had to give in! Had to get one over me!”

Stefan coughed. “I didn’t do it to compete with you.”

Damon gritted his teeth and punched Stefan again, blackening his eye. “FIGHT BACK.”

Stefan shook his head. “No,” he said. “I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever punishment you give me. I’ll do anything for you.”

“Except get over Elena,” said Damon.

Stefan swallowed hard, his breathing shallow. “I love her, Damon,” he said. “I love her and I’m sorry.”

Damon turned around and kicked a chair, yelling. “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to get out of her head! I want you for once to just act the bad guy! I’m the one you screwed over and even now I feel like the bad guy!”

“It’s not my intention…”

“I KNOW!” Damon seized Stefan by the front of his shirt and shook him. “I KNOW IT’S NOT. I KNOW YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SCREW ME OVER, STEFAN. I KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW AND THAT JUST MAKES THIS WORSE.” Roughly, he let go of Stefan’s shirt, knocking the back of his head against the wall for a second time.

“I want to kill you!” said Damon.

“I wouldn’t hold it against you,” said Stefan.

Damon rushed at him and started punching him again. “Stop being so goddamn understanding! Get mad! Get defensive! JUSTIFY YOURSELF!”

Neither of them heard the door open or the flurry of footsteps but Elena’s voice echoed in the air.

“Damon, stop it!” she screamed.

She rushed toward him and pushed him back, standing in front of Stefan, her expression horrified. “Are you trying to kill him?” 

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“Get out of my way Elena,” said Damon, his voice low.

“Elena,” Stefan mumbled. “Elena, let him do this.”

“No!” She crouched next to Stefan, quickly examining his face. She looked back at Damon and stood up. 

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“If you need to take out your anger on someone, take it on me”

“No,” Stefan muttered. “Elena, go… I deserve this…”

“He’s your brother, Damon,” said Elena. “For better or for worse, he’s your brother who you’ve shared two lifetimes with. Just stop this.” 

Damon shook his head, taking a few steps backward. “You two deserve each other,” he sneered before leaving the building.

Elena put Stefan’s arm around her shoulder to prop him up as they shuffled up the stairs to the loft.

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“Easy,” she whispered. “Easy.”

She eased him onto the couch. “I have a kit in the cabinet,” she said, rushing to the washroom.

Stefan lay back on the sofa and winced. “Elena, it’s OK,” he said. “I’m fine.”

“Do this for me then,” she said, walking swiftly back into the living room, sitting next to him on the couch. She passed her eyes over his bruised, slightly puffed face.

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“Nothing looks broken,” she whispered, opening the kit. Her hands trembled slightly as she took out Band-Aids and gauze but they steadied when she gingerly touched Stefan’s face to begin cleaning his cuts.

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He watched her tend to his wounds, his eyes soft and fixed on everything she was doing. The longer he stared at her, the calmer he felt, the more he could ignore the pain that burned his face and raged inside his head. He wanted to watch her all day, all night, for as long as he could; even when he was bloodied and broken, simply being near her flooded him with serenity. He didn’t deserve it — the tranquility he felt just looking at her but he clung onto it anyway, cherished her presence by his side, the feel of her touch. He couldn’t help but relish it.

Elena’s attention shifted from his gash to his eyes, his beautifully green, intense eyes that never failed in rendering her speechless. She held his gaze as she placed the bandage on his skin, tracing its outline. He closed his eyes as she smoothed her fingertip along his cheekbone and his expression of relief made her lips part and heart thud. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Elena’s teary expression. Alarm surged through him and he shook his head.

“Don’t cry,” he said.

“I did this to you,” she whispered.

Stefan put his hand over hers. “No, you didn’t.”

She nodded. “I did,” she insisted. “I keep hurting you.”

“No…”

“I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I hate this. I—”

“Shh.” Stefan shifted so that he brought Elena to his chest, cradling her head in his hand. She gripped his sleeve and pressed her forehead against his torso, he could feel her tears on his skin. She shuddered with quiet sobs and Stefan held her until her body relaxed. He exhaled when her breathing steadied, Elena slipping her arm around him, and then they stayed like that, entwined in a solace they provided each other. 

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After a while, Elena raised her head to look up at Stefan who peered down at her, his jaw clenched, their gaze full of unspoken need, a ripe wanting that made their eyes shine. Slowly, she leaned forward and kissed him, closed-lipped and tender. When they broke apart Stefan sighed deeply and turned so that he sat sideways on the couch, pressing his lips hard against hers so that she inched even closer to him. She moved away slightly, breathing heavily, their lips still grazing each other. 

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“Doesn’t your jaw hurt?” she whispered.

Stefan nodded. “Yes.”

And then he kissed her again, deeper this time. His mouth opened hers with a conviction that made her arch her back. She gingerly put her hands on either side of his face and intensified the kiss by leaning into him and bringing him closer at the same time. 

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She moved her hands to the bottom of Stefan’s shirt and pulled it upward as she shifted position so that she sat astride him, making him raise his head to keep kissing her. She lightly skated her fingernails over his torso so that his stomach tremored, sensitive to her touch, and lowered her lips to his ear, moving slowly down his neck, kissing his bare shoulder, grazing his lips over a bruise on his chest. She heard his shallow breathing and continued kissing everywhere she could. She wanted to be there for him, comfort him, kiss the agony away; she wanted to love him as passionately as she could.

Stefan’s lips parted. He slipped his hands beneath Elena’s skirt, gripping her hips and pressing her to him. His hands found their way to her tank top and he slid it off of her, bringing his mouth to her throat and chest, expressing his gratitude with his appetite, expressing his need with the intensity. Each short intake of breath, each moan compelled him to communicate with more urgency and he held Elena by the waist as he turned so that she was lying flat on her back and he was lying on top of her, her legs circled around him.

They had put the last of their clothes on when Damon burst into the loft, an abrupt disruption of the privacy they’d created.

Both of them stood up from the sofa.

Elena started. “Damon, what…”

He staggered into the living room and pointed at Stefan, his knuckles red and bruised from earlier. “I am giving you a choice,” he said.

Stefan stared at him, tense and confused.

“Me.” Damon pointed to himself and then to Elena. “Or her.”

An anguished expression passed over Stefan’s face.

“If it’s me, you can never, you can never see her again. You can never call her, write her … you can’t even so much as think of her. The thought of you thinking about her drives me insane,” he said. “And if you do this … everything will be forgiven. We’ll never talk about it again. We’ll move forward. We will be brothers again. I promise.”

Damon looked at Elena. “If you choose her, neither of you will see me again. No one will see me again and it’ll be your fault.”

Stefan lowered his head, biting his lip. He cleared his throat. “I—”

“Damon, you can’t do that,” said Elena frantically.

He turned to her. “This is between me and Stefan.”

“No—”

“Elena, stay out of it.”

“I can’t do that, Damon, this—”

“I told you I wouldn’t let you go.”

“Damon—”

“Choose, Stefan.”

“I’M PREGNANT.” Elena yelled.

Stefan raised his head, looking at her sharply. She turned to face him and took a deep breath.

“I’m pregnant,” she repeated.


	5. Fallout

Stefan stared at Elena. He would need for her to say it again, to repeat those two words and give more detail before he could allow himself to be happy. He could feel the rising in his gut, the tingling of his skin, his body wanted to react to the news, to rush over to her and kiss her and smile with her and laugh. He had come back to Mystic Falls all those years ago for this, for a life with her. Of course, then, his condition made the idea of a family an improbable one although not an impossible one; they could always talk about adoption some time down the line. Then they’d discovered a cure existed and Stefan allowed his dream to become a hope that warmed him in quiet moments and when that hope had extinguished in a painfully abrupt fashion, the travelers came to Mystic Falls and cruelly gave him a preview of what that hope would’ve looked like.

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It had taken Stefan longer than he admitted to get those fantasies out of his head — it wrecked his sleep and his appetite for days, torturing him with the knowledge that it was everything he had ever wanted, an improbable idea turned impossible because they’d both moved on, she had moved on.

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Except they hadn’t. She hadn’t. But if the child was Damon’s … if the child was Damon’s then Stefan would be annihilated with the reality and he didn’t know how he would ever recover from it.

“You’re pregnant?” he repeated.

Elena gave Stefan a watery smile and nodded. “Yes,” she said. “Eight weeks.”

Stefan closed his eyes and exhaled. “The night at the school was —”

“Two months ago,” Elena finished. She cleared her throat. “It has to be that night,” she whispered. “There’s no other possible —”

Stefan didn’t need Elena to finish the sentence. He strode toward her and wrapped her in his arms, hugging her. Elena clung to his back and nestled her head in the crook of his neck, the safety of his arms, the enthusiasm of his embrace made her hold him to her even tighter. He pulled away and held either side of her face, their gaze creating its own world around them as they smiled and laughed. He put his hand on her belly, wonder in his shining eyes and she put her hand on top of his hand and then the icy chill of reality seized his heart.

“Damon,” he whispered. Stefan turned quickly around. “Damon? DAMON?”

He was gone.

“Where did he go?” Stefan walked out of the living room, looking both ways. “Damon, are you upstairs?” He climbed the staircase, two at a time to get to the second level. 

Elena ran to check the bathroom. “Damon?” She peaked her head in. “He’s not there,” she shouted up to Stefan.

“He’s not upstairs either,” said Stefan, rushing back down to the first floor. “How is that possible? How could he leave without making a sound? How could I not have heard of him?” Stefan put his hands on his head. “I wasn’t paying attention, I should’ve been paying attention, I should’ve—”

“Stefan —” said Elena, walking up to him.

“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I was so caught up, I was so … I was just so happy that I didn’t even stop to think…” He rubbed his forehead. “I have to find him, Elena. I have to. He’s not OK.”

“I know,” she said. She picked up the keys from the coffee table. “Let’s go.”

Stefan looked at her, alarmed. “No, you can’t — you should stay here.”

“I care about what happens to Damon too.”

“I know you do,” said Stefan. “Of course you do, I just—”

“I’m pregnant I’m not infirm.”

“I need to focus on Damon right now and if you are with me all I’m going to be thinking about is you and — and the baby and —”

“No you won’t,” said Elena.

“Elena, I can’t—”

She shrugged. “Tough.”

“Can you please just—”

She walked up to him, bringing his face to hers so she could look him in the eye. “Where you go, I go,” she said.

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Stefan pressed his lips together and nodded. “OK,” he said. “OK but please, please be careful.”

“Always,” said Elena. “Now let’s go find him.” 

And hope that he’s still alive, she thought to herself.

 

“How’re the girls?”

“Sleeping.”

“Good.”

Caroline paced the hotel room, her laptop open to a Skype conversation with Alaric. She kept chewing her lip, her hands on her hips, unable to do anything but move in circles as her anger festered in her gut.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about?” said Alaric.

Caroline couldn’t bring herself to say the words, the exact words that would tear apart her marriage and break apart the life she’d made for herself to rubble. It had taken her so long to get Stefan on the same page as her, so long for him to see her as someone to open to and rely on, to trust and feel for, 

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she had spent so long teaching him and all this time it turned out he didn’t need teaching, he needed —

“Well can you at least stop pacing? You’re making me dizzy.”

Caroline whirled toward her laptop screen. “Stefan is a dick,” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. “He is everything I thought he wasn’t.”

Alaric tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that he’s selfish and manipulative, he lies, he —”

“Damon asked me if I thought Elena loved him more than Stefan. Does this have anything to do with that?”

“I don’t want you to say her name to me,” said Caroline. She shook her head. “Like it’s Classic Elena. She has it all but she wants more. She dumped Stefan, OK? She chose Damon. She called him her freaking soulmate but she wakes up after five years and sees me happy with Stefan and she just has to take that from me.”

“Caroline, I don’t think—”

“And Stefan let her! He let her slither back into his life and he destroyed ours for it.”

“Caroline, Elena isn’t—”

“Elena is pregnant! OK? She is freaking pregnant, Ric! PREGNANT.”

Caroline didn’t think she would hate a word so much, every syllable seemed to torture her with an image of Elena and Stefan together and happy with a newborn cradled in their arms. The moment Stefan turned human Caroline wondered if he would resent her for not being able to have kids, his kids, if he would ever regret that he vowed to spend his life raising daughters who weren’t his. She wondered how she could make something like that up to him, if he would wake up one day when he was 42 and tell her he wasted his humanity on her. And now he had gotten another woman pregnant. Her best friend. The love of his cursed life. In no uncertain terms he had told her she was not enough. That she had never been enough. Caroline gritted her teeth and vamp-sped over to a nightstand, throwing a lamp against the wall.

“CAROLINE!” Alaric exclaimed. 

“Did he think about what this would do to the girls?” she yelled. “He became a part of our family! Is it really so easy for him to betray it, discard it? I mean, what’s going to happen to what I’ve created, how is this going to impact our living situation, his relationship to Lizzie and Josie!”

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There was a knock on the door. “Mrs. Forbes-Salvatore, is everything all right?”

“UGH!” Caroline sped to the door and opened it to see the concierge from downstairs. He’d come up to settle a dispute she heard through the wall ten minutes earlier. She stared into his eyes, compelling him. “Everything is fine, do not disturb me again, if the other guests in the hotel complain, ignore them.”

She shut the door and started pacing her hotel room again.

“He has responsibilities with me,” she continued. “He has commitments, no one forced him to take them on!”

Alaric nodded his head but didn’t say anything. Caroline glared at him. “What?” she snapped.

“Nothing, you’re upset,” said Alaric. “You’re hurt and venting your frustrations, I get it.”

“Don’t patronize me, Alaric, what is on your mind?”

“Caroline, when do you ever want to hear what someone actually thinks?”

She stared at the laptop screen and Alaric pinched the bridge of his nose. “That came out wrong.”

“No it didn’t,” she said. “Stop being a condescending ass and just tell me what you think, Ric.”

“Fine,” said Alaric. He shifted in his seat and leaned forward toward the screen. “You’re really hurt by what happened, I get it, you should be, but don’t you think you’re being a little bit of a hypocrite?”

Caroline’s eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

Alaric sighed. “You didn’t cheat on me with Stefan but you did make a commitment to marry me, Caroline.”

She opened her mouth in surprise. She hadn’t expected that to come up. “Ric, what does that … why are you … I am talking about what Stefan did.”

“You asked how this is going to affect Lizzie and Josie and I’m not saying that it won’t impact them, it will be an adjustment but so was introducing Stefan into their lives in the first place.”

“That’s not fair,” said Caroline.

“Why not? You, me and the girls were all living together in Texas, they were accustomed to seeing us together and then we moved to Mystic Falls and you got back together with Stefan, then you moved into the Salvatore house. You don’t think our girls had to adjust to those pretty drastic changes in their lives?”

Caroline shook her head. “I thought me and Stefan were forever.”

“And I thought you and me were forever too, Caroline. I knew that you loved Stefan but I thought you would outgrow your feelings for him and be my wife. Be there with me and the kids in Texas. I mean, that’s why you agreed to marry me, right?”

Caroline stared at Alaric, eyes red and jaw clenched.

“But you weren’t happy, not really,” said Alaric. “All it took was for Stefan to show up on our doorstep after three years, but I think somewhere deep down I knew that you didn’t want me. And I didn’t want you to sacrifice what you truly wanted so I could have this idea of what a family is supposed to look like because it wouldn’t be fair to you and in the end it wouldn’t be fair to the girls, to any of us.”

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“Now, I’m sorry that Stefan is in the same position you were in with me, I’m sorry that this is happening to you but are you going to demand he stay somewhere he doesn’t want to be? Because that’s just going to negatively effect our children.” 

“So you’re saying that I shouldn’t hold him accountable for cheating on me?”

“No,” said Alaric. “I hate that he did that to you and knowing Stefan … … I know he hates that he did that too. And I know that he loves Lizzie and Josie, it was one of the only things that made seeing you two together bearable because I knew that he cared about my kids, he sold his soul to get them back to us. You’re angry and you’re hurt and you hate him right now and that’s normal, justifiable even, but you above all people should understand that there are some feelings you just can’t kill.”

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Caroline bit down on her teeth, clenching her jaw. “I’m going to go,” she said.

Alaric gave his head a weary nod. “I need to check in on the girls anyway.”

“OK, bye.”

Caroline slammed the top of her laptop down and collapsed onto the bed. A few seconds later, her cell rang.

“UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

She reached for it on her now-bare nightstand and saw Bonnie’s number.

“Where the hell have you been?” said Caroline, answering the phone. “Do you know what I have been through in the past few days? Do you know what Stefan and Elena did to me?”

“Caroline—”

“I have been falling completely apart and you’ve been, where are you? Brazil? China? Whatever, just come home, I—”

“Caroline, I need to tell you something…”

The carefulness in Bonnie’s tone made Caroline sit up straighter. “What is it?”

Silence.

“Bonnie, what is it?”

“I encouraged Elena to see Stefan that night.”

It was Caroline’s turn to be quiet. She shook her head, something wasn’t computing. “I don’t get it,” she said. “What do you mean? You encouraged — what? Tell me, tell me what you mean.” 

“I mean that … I felt their energies the minute I walked into your house. I’ve felt them for a while, every time they were in the same room but this … this was different. The intensity between them. The love. The guilt. It was just all so palpable. And when Stefan left, I felt Elena’s pain. It grew with every passing minute. It was her swallowing her whole, so…”

Bonnie took a deep breath.

“So I told her to go see Stefan one last time and then to move on for everyone’s sake.”

Caroline didn’t say anything for a long time. What she just heard had a numbing effect on her body. Two of her best friends had essentially conspired against her.

“I didn’t know what she and Stefan were going to do, that isn’t an excuse, but I just didn’t know. All I knew was that if Elena didn’t go to him, things would’ve gotten really messed up.”

“THINGS ARE REALLY MESSED UP, BONNIE!” Caroline screamed. “Elena is pregnant!”

“I know,” said Bonnie.

“Of course you know! Elena probably called you to tell you before she told me! You always choose her side ever since we were in freaking elementary school. It was always you and Elena and I was on the outside! Never mind what Caroline feels, Elena was in pain so you tell her to break up my marriage!”

“I didn’t look at it like that.” 

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“WHY ELSE WOULD YOU TELL HER TO FUCK MY HUSBAND?”

“I didn’t! Caroline, I told Elena to go to Stefan because I wanted it to be over, what was happening between the two of them? I wanted them to have a night to do whatever they needed to do to move on and finally be happy with the lives they set for themselves and in that way everyone involved would’ve been happier.”

“You’re saying Stefan wasn’t happy with me? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I’m saying that he was as happy as he could be and that would’ve never been enough for either of you,” said Bonnie. “Now … … I have a lot of issues I still need to work out when it comes to how I feel about Stefan. What he did to me … it’s not just going to go away. But your happiness depended on him being happy and your happiness is something I care about, Caroline. If him spending one night with Elena was going to be what it took to make you happy then I was willing to encourage that. If one night with Stefan was going to keep Elena from going back to the place she was in when her parents died … I was willing to tell her what she needed.”

“And you didn’t stop to think that telling Elena what she needed to hear would lead to them walking away from their marriages?”

“No,” said Bonnie. “I know them both, they … they needed a moment of weakness and then they would’ve done the right thing.”

“Well that moment of weakness led to a pregnancy! Elena is pregnant! I mean, what do you have to say about that Bonnie?”

Silence.

“No, don’t go quiet now. You gave Elena advice on matters that did not concern you! You owe me that too! What do you think about how your plan turned out? About the fact that Elena is pregnant with my husband’s child? My husband!”

“That this must be awful for you,” said Bonnie. “That you need a lot of support right now. But that maybe…” Bonnie cleared her throat. “Maybe it’s a sign, Care.”

Caroline hung up the phone and threw it across the room. The lack of outrage from Alaric infuriated her and Bonnie’s contribution, her rationale devastated her. They acted like Stefan loving Elena, impregnating Elena was the most natural thing in the world, like it simply made sense, the way everyone knew the sky was blue and grass was green and the earth rotated around the sun.

Stefan told Caroline he would wait for her until she was ready to be with him. He told her he loved her, that he fell in love with her madly, deeply … was she an idiot to believe him? Or was Stefan simply a master manipulator, a deluded romantic, a —

Caroline buried her face in a pillow and screamed. Stefan wasn’t either of those things. She’d been right about him as a person, that much she was sure. She could hate him and curse him but she couldn’t slander him, like how Bonnie never did anything unless she truly believed it was the right thing to do. That was what made this whole situation worse. 

 

 

This is Damon … you know what to do.

BEEP.

“Damon, I have left you like twenty-two messages, where are you? I know you hate me right now. I get it. I deserve it. But please don’t do anything stupid.”

Elena hung up the phone and sighed. She was outside the bar she and Damon had gone to the day he took her to New York when she’d had no humanity, the same bar he’d manipulated and humiliated Lexi. Stefan suggested Elena go to all of his old haunts, all of his current hangouts while he searched everywhere else. They’d have better success if they split up. With each passing minute, she grew more and more anxious and afraid that she would get that dreadful phone call. Every siren she heard, every ambulance or police car that tried to squeeze by the traffic, she had the instinct to follow. She did try to run after a few, bumping into disgruntled pedestrians when she tried to keep up with the cars. It was irrational, she knew it, but she didn’t know what else to do. She was having no luck on her own. Every time she texted Stefan, he told her he hadn’t found anything yet. In an odd way, a natural way, a way that should’ve ridden with her guilt, not having Stefan by her side made her even more stressed. His presence calmed her. When they thought Damon died and she was a mess, she knew even then, her despair was made worse by Stefan’s absence, he was her hope in everything and he wasn’t there with her.

She took out her phone again and sent a text. 

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Stefan looked at his phone. He bit his lip and texted Elena that he may have found a lead but then put the phone in his back pocket as he pushed open the door to the roof of the loft.

And there he was.

Stefan saw Damon standing on the edge, drinking a bottle of bourbon. He stared at him wide-eyed and tried to calm his heartbeat as he inched forward.

“So predictable, Stefan,” said Damon without turning around. He took a swig. “You send Elena on a wild goose chase so she wouldn’t have to be here?”

“I should be the one to fix this,” said Stefan.

“Noble of you,” said Damon. He snorted. “You know it was on a rooftop that Elena enlisted Rebekah’s help to double cross me? Feels like symmetry.”

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Stefan swallowed hard. “What are you doing up here, man?”

“Oh you know.” Damon spread his arms out. “Just enjoying the view.”

Stefan nodded. “You know … the view is pretty good from back here too. Wanna step back and compare them?”

“Nah,” said Damon. “I don’t like to do things half-assed, if I wanna see the view, I’m gonna see the view.” He lowered his head to look at the sidewalk twenty-seven storeys below, swaying slightly. Stefan ran a few inches closer.

Damon turned around to look at him. “Go away, Stefan.”

He shook his head. “I can’t do that,” he said. “I can’t leave you like this.”

“You can’t leave me alone to drink but you can leave me without a wife? Really? That’s where you draw the line?”

“If you want to drink, then let’s go back downstairs and you can have all the drinks you want. You want to talk about Elena, let’s do that inside. You want to beat the hell out of me some more, we can do that too, let’s just do it anywhere but here.”

“Anywhere but here?” Damon laughed. “What about the top of the Empire State Building?” 

Stefan stared at him, jaw clenched.

“I think I like the idea of the Empire State Building, make a big splash with my fall, be on every New York newspaper, I’d be famous.”

“That’s not funny, brother.”

“Who said I was joking?” Damon started walking along the edge of the roof, teetering slightly. Stefan prepared himself to run forward if he had to grab him.

“The reason I have for living just announced that she’s pregnant with my brother’s kid,” said Damon. “I mean what’s the point of any of this if I’m not with her?”

“She doesn’t want you to do this,” said Stefan. “She loves you.”

“NO SHE LOVES YOU.”

Stefan lowered his head. “She called you one of the epic loves of her life, right? A soulmate? Her feelings were real.”

“Then why is it your kid she’s having and not mine?” said Damon. “Why did you blow up your fucking marriage with a woman who is perfect for you if Elena’s feelings for me were real? Answer me that, Stefan.”

“I will. I will once we go insi—”

“NO!” Damon yelled. “I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW.” He took another swig of bourbon and then whipped the bottle as far as he could into the air.

“OK!” said Stefan. “OK! OK!” He rubbed his eyes. “Caroline gets who I am, right? She understands my goals and, and, the things that are important to me, but Elena … … … she knows my soul.” Stefan shrugged. “I can’t think of a better way to say it. She just, she … we connect in a way I’ve never connected to anyone for all the years that I’ve lived.”

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It’s something I tried to ignore for a really long time, something I kept trying to tell myself was in the past, something I really tried to look at as one of the most significant memories of my life but still a memory, I tried for years, Damon, and I just … I couldn’t do it anymore.” 

Damon glared at him. “And Elena? “

“I can’t speak for Elena.”

“Take a lucky guess,” said Damon. “I mean she has always said that you knew her better than anyone else. That she knows you better than anyone else. Whatever you say, I bet it’ll be close enough.”

“If you come down, you can ask her yourse —”

“I ALREADY ASKED HER, I AM ASKING YOU.”

“OK, I think you helped Elena express a side of herself she couldn’t do on her own and I guess that she couldn’t do with me and she loved you for that, in that sense she needed you but … … that’s only one thing. An important thing. But … maybe I do more than one thing for her. Maybe, I know her soul too.” 

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Damon looked back out to the city view, swaying back and forth.

“You know if you did this, she would never forgive you,” said Stefan.

“Who says I want her forgiveness? Who says she has the right to even try and forgive me after what she did?”

“What about Bonnie, then? Can you do this knowing how devastated Bonnie will be if she finds out you took your own life? After Enzo. After her dad. After her grandmother. Do you think Bonnie can afford to lose anyone else who’s close to her right now? How much do we really want to put her through?”

Damon shook his head. “Stop it.”

“You take a step off that ledge, Damon, then I’m going to try and pull you back up,” said Stefan.

“You wouldn’t reach here quick enough,” said Damon.

“Even if I have to go down after you I’ll try.”

Damon turned back around and narrowed his eyes. “Don’t do a weird ‘you jump, I jump’ moment, Stefan. You’re bluffing.”

“I’ve given up my humanity to save you

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I’ve literally walked through fire to save you

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I have broken compulsion to save you

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you think I won’t jump off a roof to save you, Damon?”

Damon stared at Stefan and then shuffled slightly, leaning imperceptibly backwards.

Stefan rushed forward. 

 

Elena was running. Four blocks away from the loft. Something wasn’t right about Stefan’s last text message. He wouldn’t tell her he had a lead but not divulge what it was. That wasn’t like him. He answered because he had to, ignoring her wasn’t an option, but the lack of specifics … 

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She remembered the day he left with Klaus, the way he sent her to Damon, told her he would try and find a cure but never checked in with her. He hadn’t said goodbye when he spoke to her at the park, he couldn’t have known exactly what he had to do but all that summer, Elena replayed Stefan’s expression in her mind and knew that if all else failed, Stefan was preparing himself to request he die in Damon’s stead. 

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He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye then and he couldn’t …

Elena ran faster. It hadn’t taken Stefan too much time to tell her he found a lead and it wouldn’t make sense for Damon to go anywhere he’d never been. He had to be back at the loft. Elena rounded the corner. She saw a figure on top of her building.

“No,” she whispered.

She ran inside. Their afternoon staff, which consisted only of a guy named Chuck, was wiping down the bar. “Hey, Elena have you seen —”

She ran right past him and rammed through another door. Their elevator was busted which meant she would have to take the stairs. With each step, she repeated the word ‘no’ in her head. Stefan wouldn’t just let Damon jump. If he couldn’t stop him … No. No. No. No. She had never missed being a vampire with such intensity until that very moment.

Her knees started to ache, her calves were burning, her heart was racing, but she couldn’t stop climbing, she had to make it to the top, she had to help, she had to —

Elena pushed open the door to the roof and saw Damon leaning backward and Stefan rush forward. Elena ran further onto the roof.

“DAMON, PLEASE!” 

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It was the longest moments of Elena’s life, everyone fixed in their positions, Damon on the ledge, Stefan turned to her but reaching out to him. Finally, Damon lowered his head and toppled down from the ledge onto the roof. Stefan rushed up to him but he moved his arm away.

“Don’t touch me,” he mumbled. 

Stefan looked at him, breathing heavily.

Damon bent forward, hands on his knees, vomiting slightly. He stood back up. “You know, Stefan, I would hate you so much less if you were just a piece of shit. The more you try to fix it, or try to fix me, try to save me, the more I resent the hell out of you. Just leave me alone. Please.”

Damon dragged his feet toward the roof entrance. Stefan watched him go through the door and exhaled. He turned to Elena who was staring at him with teary eyes.

“You sent me away,” she whispered. “Because you didn’t want me to see if you followed him down didn’t you? Or did you know you wouldn’t be able to do it if I were here with you? If we were with you.”

Stefan hugged her and she gripped his sleeve. “That wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I would never leave you two willingly,” he whispered into her hair.

Elena held on tighter. “I know.”

Stefan looked down at her. “I think you should stay here with him,” he said. “He doesn’t want to see me right now, I need to respect that and I should try and continue a conversation with Caroline.”

Elena nodded. “She’s at the Ramada.”

“Thanks.”

Stefan kissed her on the forehead and they both walked toward the exit. 

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When Elena went back to the loft, Damon was upstairs sprawled out on top of the bed. She slowly climbed up the steps then sat in an armchair against the wall.

“So what, you’re babysitting me now?” said Damon.

“I’m making sure you’re OK,” said Elena.

“I’m not OK.”

“I know.” 

“I don’t want to live without you.”

“But you won’t be without me, Damon. Stefan and I love you, we want you in our lives —”

“Stefan and I,” he mumbled. Damon raised his head to look at her. “I’m never going to be OK. Not after what you did.”

“I hurt you. I —”

“Made a mistake?” said Damon.

Elena pressed her lips together. “I was selfish,” she said. “And I’m really sorry my selfishness hurt you but I don’t believe you’ll never be OK. It’ll take time but you’ll get through it.”

“Elena, you just want me to get through it so you don’t have to feel guilty for what you did. But I won’t help you out. I want you to feel guilty for the rest of your life, I refuse to move on.”

She stared at him. “I choose to believe that you’re stronger than that, Damon,” she said. “You just need to find a reason to live outside of this, outside of me.”

“I thought you loved that all I could ever see was you.”

“It was flattering,” said Elena. “You flattered me. And for a while, it felt like all I could ever see was you too.”

“Then what happened?”

“I grew up.” 

 

Stefan and Caroline met in a salon, sitting stiffly across from each other. He wasn’t going to speak first, he owed it to Caroline to let her steer the conversation without trying to interfere and so he simply sat and watched her make a meal out of afternoon tea. She spent ten minutes sipping an Earl Grey and nibbling at a crust-less ham sandwich that cost way more than it should and then finally stopped restraining herself.

“So what’s your plan, Stefan?” she said. “Hmm?”

He cleared his throat. “I know I already said this but I’m going to be fully cooperative, Caroline. I want to own my responsibilities, I would love to continue working at the school but if you need me to quit then I will. You and the girls keep the house. I only ask that I continue seeing them. There’s a, uh, there’s a house for sale in the neighbourhood they do their piano lessons. I would appreciate it if I could pick them up after they’re, spend some time with them and then drive them to school the next morning, if you’re uncomfortable with overnight visits then I’ll drive them back after—”

“Wait,” said Caroline. “Wait. A new house? Your plan is to move out of the Boarding House?”

Stefan didn’t say anything for a beat. “Elena is going to finish her internship at Columbia Presbyterian but has asked for a transfer, to do her residency close to Whitmore College. The house is close to —”

“So you and Elena will be living together in this house,” said Caroline. “She can’t just move there by herself?”

“I need to be there for her, Caroline,” said Stefan.

“I don’t see why that has to mean cohabitating.”

“She didn’t sprain her ankle and just needs someone to check in on her from time to time, she’s pregnant, that requires a lot of attention.”

Caroline raised her eyebrows.

“I’m sorry,” said Stefan. “I didn’t mean—”

“No, you were always fiercely protective of her,” said Caroline bitterly. “She couldn’t just move in to one of the many rooms in the Boarding House?”

Even as she said it, Caroline knew she would go crazy if Elena had moved in with them. This wasn’t a pregnancy that Stefan stuck by because it was the right thing to do, this was the love of his life carrying his child. She pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger.

“I don’t think all of us under the same roof would be the greatest idea,” said Stefan carefully.

“Why, because you wouldn’t be able to help yourselves?”

“I —”

She shook her head and held up her hand to stop him from talking. They stayed silent for a few moments.

“You know, when you became human I was really happy,” she said. “And it wasn’t because you finally got something you’d been yearning for for over a hundred years.” She sighed. “It was because you would never see Elena again.”

Stefan looked at her, a shocked expression on his face.

“It’s a terrible thing to be happy for,” she admitted. “But I was, because … without her in your life, your relationship, the way you loved her, that was just a memory I had to deal with, an irritation but you were living in the present with me.”

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With her in your life, seeing you two together even as friends, it would’ve been a constant reminder for you and for me that she was the One. And then she woke up and now here we are.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

“You keep saying that like it means something, but you did hurt me, Stefan. Again.” She sniffed. “If Elena hadn’t gotten pregnant, what would’ve happened? Would you two have run off into the sunset together?”

Stefan started picking at the table cloth. “I’d really like to believe that we would’ve tried to make our commitments to you and Damon work,” he said. “I would try to make us work.”

“But you would love her the whole time, wouldn’t you?” said Caroline. “You would want her, think about her, and every time you’d go quiet, like you do now, I would wonder if you were wondering about her. I know that because I wonder that now. It wasn’t specific to Elena but I wondered what you thought about when you would brood. It was her wasn’t it?”

Stefan nodded slightly.

“So then what was I, Stefan? Honestly, why did you marry me? And don’t tell me, it’s because you thought I was perfect for you, don’t give me that bullshit about being—”

“I married you because you were my best friend,” said Stefan. “You’re my best friend, Caroline. And I thought of how great it would be to spend my life with my best friend, to be her partner, to help her raise such amazing girls.” He shook his head. “I … love you.” 

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“But it’s not true love, right?” said Caroline. 

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“It’s probably not even the next best thing because there is no next best thing, there’s true love and everything else. It was never me.”

Stefan blinked, his mouth slightly agape before saying anything. “It was never going to be anyone, it was always her.”

“And now you two can be together because you knocked her up,” said Caroline. She got up from the table. “Congratulations.”

“Caroline—”

“We are cofounders of the school, Stefan, it’s named after you. I can’t just cut you out that would look terrible, it would destroy our reputation.” She clenched her jaw. “And you’re amazing with the kids.”

“And Lizzie and Josie?”

“You would see them at school everyday,” said Caroline.

“Caroline, I—”

“You know what, Stefan, you have humiliated me, you have hurt me, you are leaving me for one of my best friends, and I don’t know, maybe Alaric is right, maybe my response is hypocritical but I’m not at a place yet where I can be completely agreeable with you. You’ll see the girls everyday at school.”


End file.
